Brad Rhoads
11 min read ⭑
“Currently, most couples are not intentional with their marriages. As a result, the marriage goes flat and many couples deceptively believe that ‘we don’t love one another anymore.’ It’s time for an absolute revolution in the marriage area.”
QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT
There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?
My wife, Marilyn, and I left Nashville, Tennessee, and moved to Owensboro, Kentucky, in 1996. We have (and are raising) five kids and have come to love the area. A rigid routine of ours is to go on a date together once a week. One of our favorite spots is the Miller House. It’s a beautiful, old multistory house that’s been converted into a restaurant. We have our favorite waitress, Carol, and we sit on the front porch of the house.
We’re pretty set in our menu ways, too, as Marilyn always gets the vegetable plate and I can’t get myself to drift from the chicken fingers. It just feels right and we feel connected when we’re at a table on that porch.
Going to the Miller House—and more specifically, taking time to go on a date once a week—has become a rhythm that’s helped keep our marriage alive and growing. I hear all the time how hard marriage is, but we’ve learned there are ways to make it much easier. When you choose to do fun things together every week, marriage becomes more of a fun adventure and less of a chore. If you allow marriage to drift into a functional co-existence, yes, it gets boring. But if you choose to schedule fun things together and have traditions together, it can be an absolute respite from a difficult life.
Typing this makes me want to go to the Miller House and hang with my wife!
Nik Shuliahin; Unsplash
QUESTION #2: REVEAL
We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activities do you love and help you find spiritual renewal?
I absolutely love going to University of Kentucky (UK) football games. It may seem shallow (and the history of the program is less than stellar), but it has so much meaning for me. I get excited just thinking about it.
Those games are a family-and-friends reunion in the parking lot of Commonwealth Stadium. We get to the stadium early (like five hours before kick-off) and hang out. It’s an absolute buffet of fun. Good food, good drinks, hanging with family, visiting with friends, and enjoying an incredibly festive environment.
Kentucky is much better at tailgating than football. I see my dad, mom, brother, nephews, and children for hours on multiple Saturdays a fall. And UK football, to me, is better than basketball. If our football team is above average, we celebrate. If our basketball team is above average, the whole state gets depressed. Seeing my entire family decked out in cool University of Kentucky gear as we all eat and laugh is a highlight for me. I love the state of Kentucky, the University of Kentucky, my family, my friends, good food, and sports. In the parking lot and at the game, I get to enjoy all of those things at the same time.
For Christmas, my daughters gave me a collage of pictures from our experiences at games throughout the years. It hangs behind my desk to remind me of past fun and ignite my excitement for future fun.
QUESTION #3: CONFESS
Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you hide it?
I remember sharing some of my struggles in a marriage group. One of the ladies in the group said, “I’m surprised to hear that. I always thought you had it all together.” I paused and wanted to say, “I’m not that bad,” but the truth is that I don’t have it all together. I’m terrible at overcommitting myself. I have a long-term pattern of overcommitment, adjustment, and relapse.
My problem is that I love to do just about everything. My mentor described me as a guy who loves every food on the buffet. He said, “You love to do so much that you just fill your plate to overflow.”
Overcommitment contributes to other weaknesses like grouchiness and frustration. My wife has even joked, “I married funny, not sweet.” I want to be consistently kind and have definitely improved over the years, but my default setting is not gentle and kind. It takes effort for me.
The pace of my life also causes fatigue, and fatigue contributes to another weakness—late-night eating. I get tired and just go to town on the food in our house. I’ll eat more calories after 9 p.m. than I do the entire day—I’ve even been known to knock down four bowls of Reese’s Puffs after 10 p.m. Ice cream is another favorite. I can’t remember a time in my life that I finished eating ice cream and didn’t want more. It’s a constant battle for me to maintain margin, gentleness, and self-control.
QUESTION #4: FIRE UP
Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your obsession? And why should it be ours?
My obsession is changing the paradigm of how marriage is done, which is why my wife and I wrote The Grace Marriage: How the Gospel and Intentionality Transform Your Relationship.
It’s an absolute tragedy that between 35% and 50% of marriages end in divorce. It’s also tragic that most of the marriages that last seem pretty dull and boring. I have a passion to see married couples come absolutely alive. I long to see affection, fun, romance, and beauty in marriages. I long to see Christ exalted by watching his sons and daughters love one another in marriage.
Currently, most couples are not intentional with their marriages. As a result, the marriage goes flat and many couples deceptively believe that “we don’t love one another anymore.” It’s time for an absolute revolution in the marriage area.
What’s worse, many churches don’t even prioritize marriage. A Communio study showed that 72% of churches have no substantive marriage ministry, and a large majority (85%) of all churches report spending none of their ministry dollars on marriage. Sadly, most churches spend way more on landscaping than they do on marriage.
The church is going to have to make a big deal of marriage if we ever want it to be a big deal in the home. Our ministry, Grace Marriage, equips the church with an ongoing marriage ministry. It helps couples get on a growth investment track. It helps couples richly enjoy one another and marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all” (ESV). This won’t happen until marriage becomes prioritized in the church. The stereotypes of marriage (e.g., as a ball and chain or as restrictive) need to be obliterated and replaced with a vibrant, beautiful, and growing reality.
QUESTION #5: BOOST
Cashiers, CEOs, contractors, or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?
Our only hope for sustained zeal, creativity, passion, and effectiveness is Christ. Scripture tells us that if God doesn’t build it, we build in vain.
I remember being in a coffee shop on a mission trip in Nicaragua when I sensed God’s presence and thought, I want to spend the rest of my life helping protect and grow marriages. I came home and told my wife. At the time, I was a practicing litigation attorney with five children who had not started college yet. So leaving a successful profession to launch a start-up marriage ministry seemed to have some challenges. Yet my wife’s reaction was amazing. She said, “Do it.”
So I made the decision to leave the law practice. Then, I learned it’s easier to get to the edge of a high dive than jump off. I got scared. What if I go broke? What if it fails? Am I risking the financial health of my family to pursue my own desires? My wife looked and me and said, “God has made it clear what he has called us to do. Would you quit looking back and wasting both of our energy?”
In the eight years since I left the law, it has been stressful, but God has been faithful 100% of the time. He met our needs even throughout COVID and other challenges. Now, I absolutely love what I do. God has only intensified our passion since I made the jump. I’m more excited about effecting change in the marriage area now than I have been my entire life. I cannot wait to see what God will do!
QUESTION #6: inspire
Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied actions that open our hearts to the presence of God. So spill it, which spiritual practice is workin’ best for you right now?
I find comfort in protecting margin and spending time with God. I’ve stopped working Fridays and see it as a sabbath. It is a day of refreshment. It literally slows my mind down so I can be more enjoyable to everyone the other six days of the week.
My mentor taught me that habit. He would take a day a week just to enjoy the Lord. Once he felt guilty about it and told his wife he was considering stopping. His wife said, “No! I’d rather have a nice, gentle husband six days a week than a jerk seven days a week.” So one practice that helps me is a sabbath.
Another habit is trying to take an hour of silence or spiritual reading a day. It gets me off the productivity treadmill and refreshes me. I learned this the hard way. A failure to take a sabbath and make time for solitude dropped me into a rough spot a few years back. I couldn’t sleep and found myself short of breath most of the time. Life was absolutely miserable. I’d find myself lying in bed at 4 a.m. just looking at the ceiling.
A counselor pushed me toward healthier practices. Now, I strive to exercise every day, take an hour a day of quiet time, and a day a week of sabbath. When I drift from these habits, I remind myself of how miserable I was in the time of sleeplessness and anxiety.
QUESTION #7: FOCUS
Our email subscribers get free ebooks featuring our favorite resources—lots of things that have truly impacted our faith lives. But you know about some really great stuff, too. What are three resources that have impacted you?
I remember reading the book The Saving Life of Christ by Major W. Ian Thomas. It helped open my eyes to a life resting in the love of Christ and not dominated by personal striving and effort. My Christian walk was dominated by just trying to do more, read more, and minister more. This book helped me shift to a perspective where my only hope of true fruit is abiding in him. Easy burden, light yoke, rested soul, and sabbath rest of Christ can be an experiential reality and this book helped me move toward this.
Another resource is Pete Scazzero. His books and podcast help us focus on personal spiritual, emotional, and physical health more than business and ministry activity. It’s a constant battle to keep margin in our lives and to be spiritually healthy. Pete Scazzero helps us be successful in fighting the chaos of the world.
A third resource I’d point to is Dan Sullivan. He is the founder of a business coaching program called Strategic Coach. The principles I learned in Strategic Coach and from Dan Sullivan impacted how I do life, business, and ministry. His materials and program have helped me personally, financially, and in ministry.
We all have things we cling to to survive (or thrive) in tough times. Name a resource you’ve found indispensable in this current season—and tell us what it’s done for you.
Two resources I’m using right now are Sacred Rhythms by Ruth Haley Barton and Traction by Geno Wickman.
Sacred Rhythms is helping me develop healthy spiritual rhythms so that I live a life of pursuing and listening to God. I love the book because it’s not so much about what we do but about how we approach life and Scripture. It pulls me away from trying to perform for God and toward enjoying and connecting with God.
I’m reading it for the second time because the first time I read it, I didn’t make any real changes in how I was doing life. Our only hope is Christ. Our life is a vapor that’s here and gone. The only thing that matters is that we are ready to die. And the only way to be ready to die is to have a saving belief in Jesus Christ. This book reminds me of these truths and encourages me to a posture such that I can live encouraged and connected with God.
The book Traction is a very helpful business tool. It sets forth an operating system that is implementable and tremendously helpful. It takes the overwhelming task of ministry/business and gives you a framework to get focused and grow in excellence and impact. I love how practical the book is and how easy the steps are to follow.
QUESTION #8: dream
God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?
I can see God moving in such a way that marriages come alive all over this nation and all over this world. I can see a reality where divorce and complacency are the rare exception and growing marriages are the norm. The standard operating procedure for marriage can change and couples can get on a growth trajectory their entire marriage.
So what’s ahead for us? I think it will become normative for churches to have an ongoing marriage ministry. There was a time when virtually no churches had youth ministries. Now, nearly every church has one. Currently, few churches have marriage ministries. I believe there will be a time when virtually no church fails to serve marriages. It’s obvious that we can’t overcome family dysfunction with weekly children and youth programming. We can’t win with our next generation unless we win in the marriage area.
However, as my wife and I grow in helping churches and marriages, fears do arise. The task can seem overwhelming, and future uncertainties can seem paralyzing. However, the excitement about what can happen is much more significant than the fears I have. We equip the local church with an ongoing marriage ministry platform. Through God’s kindness and the input of others, we now have seven years of curriculum and an effective platform that churches can easily implement. I see our model continuing to evolve such that growing, God-glorifying marriages become the norm in the church. I see the marriage movement taking off like fire hitting dry leaves.
As Christians, we might expect to see broken marriages in the world. But what about at church? A 2023 Communio study found that 1 out of every 5 married people in the church struggles in their marriage.
That same study also found that boys who grew up with married parents were much more likely to attend church regularly as adults. In other words, as the family structure declines in our nation, faith follows suit. Could this be because God created marriage to represent Christ’s relationship with the church? And if so, how could healing our marriages impact our witness for Jesus?
Today, we encourage you to take a moment to pray for healing in Christian marriages—and strength for ministries like Brad and Marilyn’s as they seek to make a difference.
Brad Rhoads served as an attorney for 22 years, graduating from Furman University and the University of Kentucky College of Law. Brad was ordained as Pastor of Marriage at his local church in 2011. He and Marilyn Rhoads have been married for 27 years and have five children. Together, they write marriage materials, lead marriage groups, and speak at conferences. They also co-founded Grace Marriage and Grace Marriage@Home, which serve churches and individual couples with an ongoing path and plan to protect and grow their marriages. Grace Marriage currently serves couples in 26 states and five countries.
