Chuck Elliott
11 min read ⭑
“From my professional and personal experiences, I see that grief is common to all people, but we express it in many ways. Grief is also an opportunity for growth, even when we don’t want it. If people will address how their lives have changed after they lose something or someone they loved, they can find strength.”
QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT
There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?
I’ve loved Mexican restaurants for as long as I can remember. I grew up partly in Arizona and with a father who thinks spicy food is a way of life, so Mexican restaurants have always been a part of my upbringing. I remember my newfound independence as a high schooler in Dyersburg, Tennessee, when I would go for tacos with friends after soccer games. Now with my sons and wife, it’s a regular occasion. I love the spice, and chorizo is my friend.
The best experience I’ve ever had at a Mexican restaurant was in Cleveland, Tennessee. Lee University is where I met Ashley, and we had a spot we really liked. On one of our first dates at Tres Hermanos, we took a pretty big step—well, for me at least. We were sitting on the outside patio waiting for our food, and I asked about a ring she was wearing on her hand. As she showed it to me, I made my big move. I held her hand for the first time! Cheesy as it might sound, I felt my heart skip a little as I fell in love with this woman.
Mexican food has always been a go-to for us. It’s where we invite friends to meet us. It’s where our kids want to go after church. It always feels like the right fit because we can make it quick or we can stay for hours.
Patrick Mueller; Unsplash
QUESTION #2: REVEAL
We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activities do you love and help you find spiritual renewal?
I wouldn’t say that running is quirky—unless you consider my form, which is lacking. I’ve had some pretty big realizations while running, one of which helped me take a major step forward as I grieved the loss of a child during pregnancy. We live close to the hospital where we lost children, and I’ve taken loops around that campus many times. I found it difficult to run around the hospital for several weeks after our losses. Early one morning, I felt it would be good for me to “go there” physically and emotionally. I began thinking about our losses and what life could have been. I pondered how I used to be expecting a little one to join our family and how everything quickly changed.
As I started the loop around the hospital campus, warm tears began to well up in my eyes. With each step, the wind chased the tears down the sides of my face. Emotions surged. I began to sob. The intensity grew until I needed to stop running. As I walked, I “went there.” To this day, it’s one of the most emotional experiences I’ve encountered. It was also empowering. It didn’t kill me, but it hurt to allow the feelings into the present moment. Before I completed the loop around the hospital, I experienced anger, sadness, relief, God’s comfort, and clarity. When I began to run again, I felt better—a little lighter. I think it was more than the calorie loss from the intense jogging session! I felt more connected to the baby we lost. I had been avoiding the very feelings I needed to experience in order to gain a sense of freedom.
QUESTION #3: CONFESS
Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you hide it?
It was just a couple of days ago, and there I was again, being quiet and thinking about how dumb I was. Let me back up and tell you what happened. My wife, Ashley, and I work together, and sometimes, she gives me feedback that I don’t take as well as I could. She made a comment about the quality of something I was doing (which I greatly needed), and I said nothing. The thoughts started flowing about all of my inadequacies. I know, I’m so fragile. We went for a walk about an hour later, and I said something about what I was thinking. Of course, she knew I was thinking something about what happened.
I don’t always like talking about my feelings. I’m not alone in this, but here is what makes it harder: I teach people to talk about their feelings! Relationship skills are kind of a huge part of what Ashley and I do. I often think my anger, hurt, or unmet expectations will just go away. And sometimes they do. But more often, they just cause other problems if I don’t deal with them.
I think I’m so smart sometimes. I’ll just be quiet—as if that won’t show what I’m feeling. False. Even though I truly believe that honestly sharing is powerful and needed in most relationships, I still resist it myself.
QUESTION #4: FIRE UP
Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your obsession? And why should it be ours?
When I heard this statement, everything in my future ministry began to shift:
“Mom is gone! Prayer doesn’t matter now.”
I’ve been in ministry for years now, yet this comment from someone who had just lost his mother has stuck with me. I was an intern at the time under my mentor, Larry, and the church had been praying for a member to recover from an illness, but she passed just as we arrived at the hospital. The family was standing in the sterile hallway when we got off the elevator. Larry asked the family to gather for prayer, and that’s when her son angrily looked at Larry and said, “Mom is gone, Larry! Prayer doesn’t matter now.” Larry looked at the grieving son, stepped toward him, and put his hand on his back. As Larry began to pray, the son’s posture began to change, and his anger broke. I learned about grief and loss that day. I realized that God can use me to bring peace and comfort in moments of loss, and it matters a lot.
From my professional and personal experiences, I see that grief is common to all people, but we express it in many ways. Grief is also an opportunity for growth, even when we don’t want it.
If people will address how their lives have changed after they lose something or someone they loved, they can find strength. I have seen grieving individuals lose their present and future, stolen by pain. Starting that day, I wanted to help people find peace during hard times. That’s why Ashley and I wrote our latest book, I Used to Be ____. In it, we share biblical mental health techniques to help people who are grieving to understand their emotions, accept their new reality, and step into the future stronger than before.
QUESTION #5: BOOST
Cashiers, CEOs, contractors, or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?
When preparing a sermon or talk, there’s a moment when it “clicks.” Before I reach this moment, I wrestle with physical tension in my body. What I feel is almost anger at the fact that I can’t find the right words. I feel like I’m on a spiritual, emotional, and mental hunt for what’s hidden so I can trap it and bring it to the message I’m going to deliver.
What I’m looking for might be a unique perspective on a passage of Scripture or a takeaway that I feel led to give during that talk. Whatever it is, until it clicks for me, I just don’t feel that the message is ready. I’ll walk around. I’ll raise my voice in frustration (sometimes my family gets concerned). I’ll go for a walk or work out while I think about it. There have been times when I’ve been hunting for inspiration and then threw it all away and started the process over.
Sometimes the moment of “click” happens when I first start to prepare, and other times, it takes me hours or days to see it. I’ve thought about this, and it’s not a formula. If you’re like me, you would like God to just tell you how to get inspiration quickly to save time. But God isn’t interested in my efficiency.
When God shows me the unique perspective or takeaway I need, I feel everything change. The disconnected pieces begin to connect, the flow makes sense to me, and I can see how others will gain insight, encouragement, and challenge from what I’m going to say.
QUESTION #6: inspire
Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied actions that open our hearts to the presence of God. So spill it, which spiritual practice is workin’ best for you right now?
“One song and shut up.”
When people ask me how to get closer to God, I often tell them this. It might not sound very nice at first, but stick with me. I’ve found that I, like many of us, want to feel like I am “doing something” to get closer to God. Many of us have been conditioned to think a certain way about work and what it means to be accomplished. When we want something, we have to work for it, and the more important it is, the harder we have to work for it.
This formula doesn’t work the same way when it comes to personal spiritual practices. Sure, we can put in the work and study the Bible, which will bring a return. We can have discipline in our prayer life that pushes us to connect with God every day. But working harder and having more discipline is not always the answer.
Here’s what I’ve found. If I put on one worship song and just sit silently, I find something in those moments. I find peace. I find a space where God will speak with me. God wants to be with me. God wants to be with us. Just being with him has been powerful for me. I slow down; I don’t do anything for those few minutes of a worship song, and it’s sweet for me. It’s been in these times that I’ve found some of my most meaningful times with the Lord.
QUESTION #7: FOCUS
Our email subscribers get free ebooks featuring our favorite resources—lots of things that have truly impacted our faith lives. But you know about some really great stuff, too. What are three resources that have impacted you?
My first full-time job had me driving all over Southwest Indiana. This provided me with many hours of windshield time to listen to books and podcasts. One of the books I listened to more times than I can count is Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. It was formative for me in several ways, and I have no doubt that it shaped how I think about the opportunities I have to work hard. From the 10,000-hour rule he made famous to misconceptions about genius, he illuminated a path toward success. If you haven’t read it yet, put it on your list.
When it comes to faith, I’ve often felt behind. I became a Christian during college and was playing catch-up on many of the basic foundations of the Christian faith. I read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis and More Than a Carpenter by Josh McDowell multiple times to help gain ground that I felt I had lost by not giving my life to Christ earlier.
While very different in approach, these two books helped form the foundation for my beliefs. They answered many of the questions that had prevented me from coming to the faith in years prior. Even now, when I talk to people about faith, I often draw from memory the content of these books. And I’ve given copies of them to other people many times.
We all have things we cling to to survive (or thrive) in tough times. Name one resource you’ve found indispensable in this current season—and tell us what it’s done for you.
I remember one moment years ago when I was sitting at a table outside the locker room at the gym, waiting for Ashley to come out. It was one of the first times I read the Bible on my phone in public. It felt like I was bringing worlds together. The normal daily events of life and the Word of God bumped together for me in a new way as I watched people walk by.
As I write this, it’s day 390 of a streak for me in the YouVersion Bible app. (I know. Calm down, Chuck.) Am I bragging? No. Proud of the best habit I have? Yes. In the past 390 days, I’ve had hard days, and I’ve still shown up to seek God’s help.
It’s an everyday thing for me. It’s how I start my day, and I usually have multiple plans going at the same time. Ashley and I often ask other Christians if they have YouVersion on their phone. If they don’t, we invite them to download it and start a plan right then and there. It’s how we do devotions as a family every night. We’re currently reading the entire Bible together as a family with our three boys.
I know I need the Word of God in my life. It’s not just something I’m supposed to need—I really need it.
QUESTION #8: dream
God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?
Have you ever felt like you were made for something different but haven’t been sure what it was? Yeah, Ashley and I have, too.
I believe that God is giving us a voice to speak into the lives of people who need hope with a practical path forward. Hope that a loss is not the end. Hope that marriages don’t have to end. Hope that family trees can change forever and legacies can be built that are worth being proud of.
When Ashley and I started the work that led to I Used to Be _____, we didn’t really know where it would end up. We still don’t. We had experienced loss and knew that we wanted to help others who were grieving, too. We turned our living room into a video studio and filmed a grief and loss program with no major plan of what to do with it. That series was picked up by RightNow Media, which gave us a great start.
I’m learning that I don’t have to know all the steps to take the next one. The next step often looks like working, meeting needs, and solving a problem we see in our world.
We plan to continue writing books. Right now, we’re working on a two-book proposal, one of which is a children’s book that our oldest son helped title. And as we continue to take steps forward, we’ll see where God takes us.
We’ve dreamed about also starting a nonprofit that focuses on improving relationships in areas like marriage and business. If I told you I wasn’t scared, I’d be lying. My ego and expectations have been shaken, but I know we are walking in and toward something he wants for us.
Because we live in a broken world, grief is a universal experience. It doesn’t matter how powerful someone is or how great their life is—at some point, they’ll encounter grief. It’s a part of our humanity.
Even Jesus experienced grief. He felt it when his friend Lazarus died (see John 11). He felt it when his cousin, John the Baptist, was beheaded (see Matthew 14). He felt it when his own father passed away. And he felt it more painfully than ever on the cross when he received the wrath of God for our sins.
Yet each time Jesus experienced grief, he turned to his heavenly Father. Even on the cross, he cried out, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit” (Luke 23:46, NIV).
We can’t run from grief. But we can throw ourselves into God’s arms. He’s there—and he’s ready to catch us and comfort us.
Chuck and Ashley Elliott are authors of the book I Used to Be ____ and spend much of their time equipping people to build spiritual and relational success. Chuck, as a pastor, and Ashley, as a counselor, have devoted their lives to helping people fight negativity and leave a legacy. They earned master’s degrees in counseling, education, and organizational leadership. Chuck and Ashley live in Indiana with their three sons and enjoy spending time outside as a family. Find their book and many free resources at chuckandashley.com.
