Ron Deal
9 min read ⭑
“Helping others experience what we’ve experienced in our lives and marriage—now that’s worth spending my remaining years working toward.”
QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT
There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?
I love pizza. “I mean, doesn't everybody?” you might say. “Okay, everyone likes pizza, so of course, Ron does too.”
But there’s more to it than that. It's been a part of important relationships throughout my life. My second or third date with my now-wife, Nan, was at Felix and Oscar's (or “F&O's” as we affectionally refer to it) in our hometown city of Des Moines, Iowa. And "the kiss" that marked the shift in our relationship from just friends to "much more" took place on our way to get pizza after a high school basketball game. It also played a significant role in the first few years of our married life together when I was a youth minister. I think you spell youth minister "p-i-z-z-a" don't you?
Once children started coming along, we developed a tradition on Friday nights: dinner (more often than not, pizza) and a movie. That tradition continues today and there's only one bird left in the nest. He's 23 and just recently graduated from college—and we all still want pizza on Friday night.
And then there's all the special father-son or family trips to cities with great pizza. (New York and Chicago top the list.) And did you know you can get two frozen Giordano's pizzas in your carry-on suitcase and bring them home to surprise your family? One of my favorite pictures is of my son Connor eating Giordano's. He went with me to Chicago on a speaking engagement. Little did I know that just two years later, he would get sick and die at the age of 12. I love that picture, and I hate that picture. But I love that we got to share a great moment eating one of our favorite foods.
Coping with Connor's death would eventually lead our family to help formerly trafficked children in Ghana, West Africa. We built a therapeutic art center for the Touch A Life Foundation, which rescues and raises the children. We visit that center every year. And after spending a couple of weeks in northern Ghana eating (amazing) Ghanaian food, working all day, sweating through every article of clothing we brought with us, and loving on some incredible children (while grieving my own child in a building that bears his name), what is the most familiar food we craved before leaving the country? Pizza. Authentic Italian-family-owned-and-operated pizza from Mamma Mia's Pizzeria in Accra. (Arguably, the best pizza I've ever had. Anywhere.) Of course, it's pizza. It's the thread that runs through the special moments and special relationships of my life.
Large combo, please. Everything on it. Just like my life.
Denise Jans; Unsplash
QUESTION #2: REVEAL
We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activities do you love and help you find spiritual renewal?
I love movies. Our family loves movies. We talk about movies, we critique movies, and we analyze the directors, the actors, and the cinematographers. And now, one of my sons is a composer for film and TV.
We also let movies become metaphors for life. Through the years, this can't-let-the-teachable-moment-go dad has turned storylines into lessons for life. I'm not even sure my children knew it was (is) happening, but now I'm seeing them make the same leaps toward life, so I'm going to take credit for that (whether I should or shouldn't). Jesus used parables. I use movies.
I used to love playing basketball for fun, but a series of injuries beginning in high school has made that impossible for many years now. What Nan loves to tell others about me is that I was a jock in high school. (I said “jock,” not “joke”!) I got C's in English and hardly read a book let alone would have written one (or now, nine). But alas, God sometimes uses painful injuries to turn our lives in a new direction. He certainly did mine.
QUESTION #3: CONFESS
Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We're just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you hide it?
Nan and I present Empowered to Love marriage and relationship seminars. If you have attended one, you already know that my idols are the approval of other people (especially my wife), not feeling inadequate, and wrestling with insecurity. And you also know what I do with that pain; I work really hard to perform and impress others. When it comes to my marriage, I try to argue with my wife to get her to like me, otherwise known as defensiveness. I'm really good at it, too. In fact, I tell people that defensiveness is one of my spiritual gifts. The other is sarcasm. (See? I just used it.) Not being the best or not having you think the best of me is what crushes me. Or maybe I should say that, by the Holy Spirit's refining power, it’s what used to crush me often and does so less and less today.
You see, what I'm learning to do is humbly acknowledge my pain (not being the best or having the best thought of me) and choose to rely on the identity my Father has given me—and act out of that strength. One way I do that is by talking about it, teaching from it, and admitting the pride behind it.
And that's why I just told you what I did!
QUESTION #4: FIRE UP
Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your obsession? And why should it be ours?
When God opens doors, walk through them.
People have asked me for years what my plan is. I don't have a plan. I never have. I just look for the next open door and walk through it. A little over 30 years ago, I did exactly that and it led to what is now the largest blended family ministry in the country—likely the world. We are leading the way to redefine marriage and family ministry so that it is relevant to today's families (if you didn't know, the "nontraditional family" is the new traditional family). In the last five years, for example, our ministry has put out more podcasts, broadcasts, books, videos, and live and virtual seminars than the entire Christian community did in the last three decades. And now, it's catching on. More and more Christian voices are launching podcasts and producing resources to help blended families be Christ-centered families. That really excites me.
So what am I working on now? If you read my answer to the last question, you got a taste of the transformative principles of Restoration Therapy from my friend Dr. Terry Hargrave and his wife, Sharon. As a therapist and speaker, I've seen more change in couples using this discipleship-based strategy than any other method—and I can testify to the power it has had in my own 36-year marriage. And that's why Nan and I are working with Terry and Sharon to make this incredible material available in a user-friendly book for couples.
Helping others experience what we've experienced in our lives and marriage—now that's worth spending my remaining years working toward.
QUESTION #5: BOOST
Cashiers, CEOs, contractors, or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it's God when it happens?
Perfect love casts out fear.
Anything that helps me cast out fear and pain and replace them with a more selfless love for others, is the Holy Spirit's doing. But here's the catch: I have to be willing to look deeply into the mirror to see my pain, face it, put words to it, and recognize how it distorts how I love others. And that's really, really difficult. So difficult, in fact, that I'm convinced most Christians (and nonbelievers) won't ever do it because of pride.
And that's what's so sad. Pride invites God's opposition in our lives (see 1 Peter 5:5), but if we don't let it go, we can't ever look into the mirror and see what needs to change. That requires humility, which by the way, invites more of God's grace into our lives. And that further deepens how I grow and, ultimately, casts out fear. Now here's the thing—whether I have God's opposition or God's grace coming toward me, it's all the Holy Spirit. The only issue is, am I listening?
Every day, I want to ditch the pride and clothe myself with humility. Every day.
QUESTION #6: inspire
Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied actions that open our hearts to the presence of God. So spill it, which spiritual practice is workin' best for you right now?
I always struggled with "everyday devotions with God" or reading the Bible every day. I've never found that easy to do. Maybe it's the season of life we're in (e.g., kids all grown), but it has gotten easier. Nowadays, Nan and I regularly get up, have a cup of coffee, and begin reading or studying something related to God's Word on our own. We then spend about 10-15 minutes reading a daily devotional out loud and discussing it. And we really enjoy that.
I've also found podcasts to be great resources for studying God's Word and the life of a disciple. I listen while driving in the car, while getting ready for the day—anytime I can. And I love it.
QUESTION #7: FOCUS
Our email subscribers get free ebooks featuring our favorite resources—lots of things that have truly impacted our faith lives. But you know about some really great stuff, too. What are some resources that have impacted you?
Any podcast, video, or book by NT Wright is an excellent use of your time, but I highly recommend his book Surprised by Hope. His ability to pull the Old and New Testaments together to reveal Jesus is outstanding. Plus, I think many North American evangelicals will be surprised by some of our misunderstandings of heaven and life after life after death (as he puts it).
The Bible Project is a wonderful podcast that also does a great job of pulling together the Old and New Testaments in incredibly insightful ways. I have thoroughly enjoyed every podcast and video—and they're very accessible.
And finally, the work of Dr. Terry Hargrave has been life changing for me. His work Restoration Therapy is probably the most concise volume, but I could mention many others. This work cuts through the fluff in the relationship and mental health world and gets to the heart of what makes us tick as creatures made in the image of God. If you are a helping professional, you should read it.
We all have things we cling to to survive (or thrive) in tough times. Name one resource you’ve found indispensable in this current season—and tell us what it's done for you.
When my 12-year-old son died, I wouldn't let anyone, friend or family member, come into my house without first having read a little book on grief called Tear Soup. It looks like a kid's storybook, but it paints a helpful picture of how we grieve, how others can help us grieve, and what the emotional process entails. I wanted our guests to know what their job was before they came into our home (none of the usual Christian platitudes were allowed). And they did, and it helped us tremendously.
Through the years, I've suggested the book to many people wrestling with a number of losses, and it's never failed to give them and those who love them a map for the journey of grief. And over 13 years later, we are still walking the path.
QUESTION #8: dream
God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?
Nan and I are teaching Empowered to Love marriage seminars and working on a book based on the principles shared. The principles are not sexy, and they don't entertain (which is what a lot of "expert" marriage educators do these days). But they work. I want to give my remaining ministry days to things that really make a difference in people's lives and the kingdom of God. And this is it.
Many of us want to have healthier, more satisfying relationships. But fewer of us know exactly what to do to see that happen. Modern relationship experts may have some great ideas we can follow, but the best relationship advice is still found in the Word of God.
And that shouldn’t surprise us. After all, God is the one who created us to enjoy—and even need—relationships! Surely he knows exactly what we have to do to help our relationships thrive.
That’s why we’re grateful for Bible-based relationship experts like Ron Deal. He knows that the true source of relationship wisdom is Jesus Christ and that when you trust the Lord with your whole life—including your relationships—“he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:6, NIV).
Ron Deal teaches about marriage and family and is one of the most widely read and viewed experts on blended families in the country. He is director of FamilyLife Blended®, president of Smart Stepfamilies™, and author of 20 books and resources. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist, conference speaker, and podcaster, and his work has been referenced by outlets like The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Today.com, USA Today, and U.S. News and World Report. He and his wife, Nan, have three sons and live in Little Rock, Arkansas. To learn more, visit RonDeal.org.
