11 min read ⭑

QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT

There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?

Every Friday evening that I’m home in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, you can find my wife and me at a restaurant near our house called Look’s Marketplace, sitting at the giant wooden bar and talking about our relationship and kids.

Look’s is partly a butcher shop and partly a market and restaurant. Nestled on the edge of a golf course, it’s bright and full of windows. We’ve been going to Look’s since they opened, and it’s truly a place that feels like home to us.

As our kids have gotten older and life has become busier, we started to realize that if we were going to create the relationship we desired, it would take intention. Look’s is part of that. It’s close to our house and the food is fantastic, so there are few objections when it comes to finding time each week to really talk to one another.

Occasionally, friends join us, or we get to talk with the staff, but the point is always the same — my wife and I taking time to connect with each other about the things that matter.

Our routine is to have a glass of wine, answer some question prompt cards and then go through our checklist. We usually start dreaming about the future before too long.

About that time, we order pizzas to go (they’re amazing!) and keep talking. Eventually, the pizzas come and our time is up, but we always leave smiling and more connected than we were when we started.

QUESTION #2: REVEAL

We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activities do you love and help you find spiritual renewal?

Several hours from where I live in South Dakota are the Black Hills, a small-scale mountain range that includes Mount Rushmore and thousands of acres of forest land and streams.

Although I’ve gone to the Black Hills my whole life, it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I started to fish in the streams there with a Tenkara rod. Tenkara is a Japanese style of fishing using simply a rod, line and fly — no reel. Tenkara is about making fishing simple, and, in many ways, is more about the experience of being outside than it is about catching fish.

As I stand or walk through the often freezing cold streams where I fish, I’m usually deep in thought. Sometimes I see eagles and occasionally even catch a trout, but it’s not really about that. For me, these fishing experiences are about being outside, moving in silence and living in the moment.

Although I never have an agenda for the time, the experience is usually a moving meditation where, at some point, I feel deeply connected to God.

It’s in these moments that I’m able to stop thinking about work, my to-do list and anything else that could come up in my day. It’s simply just me and God.

Being outside like this allows me to slow down and focus on what’s in front of me. Catching fish, wading through the clear water, looking up at the sky, and noticing the trees and other animals that might be around.

You’ve probably heard this before, but you don’t have to be inside a church building on a Sunday to have an encounter with God. For me, some of my most spiritual moments and conversations with Jesus have happened while out fishing in the Black Hills.

QUESTION #3: CONFESS

Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you hide it?

When I went to get an internship as part of my master’s degree in counseling, I sat down with a potential job site supervisor and, with a twinge of embarrassment, shared with him that my GPA was only 3.98.

I explained that early on in my master’s program, I had underestimated a library course and, despite my best efforts to right the ship, I received a B in the class, ruining my perfect GPA. I apologized and assured the supervisor that I had learned an important lesson and wouldn’t soon settle for anything less than all A’s.

I wasn’t surprised when the supervisor paused before replying to me, but I was shocked by what he said next.

Instead of looking down on me for getting a B, the supervisor shared that as a standard practice, he had learned that hiring counseling interns who strive for perfection often ended badly. He said that, unfortunately, he was going to have to pass on my application.

It took a while for me to appreciate the lesson I learned that day. But I now know that it was one I really needed to hear.

For most of my life, I’ve felt like the best way to show up was to be perfect. That perfectionism is something I’ve had to let go of many times since. The times when I’ve let go of my need to be perfect have, ironically, been the times when I’ve felt the most connected with and closest to God.

While I know my first reaction to any situation will most likely always be trying to find a way to measure my efforts against perfection, I also now know that if I simply take a deep breath, God will meet me in that space and I’ll see the truth.

QUESTION #4: FIRE UP

Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your obsession? And why should it be ours?

Since I was young, I’ve been obsessed with how and why people change. I remember being 8 or 9 years old and reading self-help books about how to become more focused and be your best self.

I think part of my fascination with these books came from my father’s early adoption of Tony Robbins, and probably like most boys, I co-opted the self-help industry as an interest of mine to try to be more like my dad.

As I grew up, I faced a lot of hardships, and at times, I was certain people couldn’t really change and things wouldn’t really get better. Luckily, a few people came into my life who reminded me that people can, in fact, change for the better, and I was able to start making some changes of my own.

As I’ve grown in my career as a licensed therapist, my understanding of how and why people change has deepened. My obsession with all things self-help has, as a consequence, turned into trying to figure out how I can give people the information and space they need to change.

This obsession has literally taken me around the world, both as a student and a teacher. I’ve sat in prison cells with clients and met clients before they boarded their private jets, all with the same goal in mind — to make positive change as accessible as possible.

When I felt like I started to develop a system I could replicate, I began testing it in those same rooms, everywhere from prisons to private jets.

Today, that system has turned into my first book, “Get Past Your Past” (Zondervan, October 2023). The book is a compilation of all my personal, educational and clinical experience. My hope is that it meets readers wherever they are, presenting them with a roadmap of how to find healing and wholeness.

QUESTION #5: BOOST

Cashiers, CEOs, contractors, or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?

Every workshop or retreat I’ve attended or led has always started with pretty much the same routine: A group of people gather together, often uncomfortable and unsure of what they’ve gotten themselves into, wishing they could be anywhere else but there.

As the workshop progresses, there’s always that first person who decides to be vulnerable and authentic — stepping out of their comfort zone to share with the group how they’re really feeling.

Often, the person starts or ends by noting that they may be the only one feeling this way, and it’s at that exact moment that a hush falls over the room. The person who shared thought they were most certainly alone in whatever they were walking through. But when they look around the room, they see so many others who have been there, too. They’re not so alone after all.

That’s often when I feel God’s presence the most. It’s in the times when we’re so sure that we’re alone, and yet we’re continually reminded that we’re never as alone as we may feel.

Whatever you’re going through, whatever brokenness you may be feeling, someone else has been there, too. They’ve been in the thick of it, they’ve walked through it, and they’ve made it to the other side — just like you will.

My hope and prayer every time I step into one of those rooms is that I get out of the way and allow God to do the work.

QUESTION #6: inspire

Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied actions that open our hearts to the presence of God. So spill it, which spiritual practice is workin’ best for you right now?

Every morning, I begin the day by sleepily walking down the stairs of our two-story house to the basement. I walk backward in just the right spots to avoid the areas of our wood floor that creak and grab a cup of coffee from the kitchen on my way.

As I get down to the basement, I plop on my favorite couch that we’ve had for a million years, start the fireplace if it’s cool, and begin the day with the Glorify app — praying through a brief devotional or meditation.

This takes me all of 10 minutes, but it’s the absolute best way for me to start my day.

I then pray for the day ahead and take some time to figure out where my focus needs to be.

While this morning routine might seem simple, doing this has changed my life. Because it doesn’t take that much time, I know that whether I’m at home or traveling, I can always take the 10 minutes I need to start my day off right.

For me, beginning my day like this grounds me. Instead of reaching for my phone to check emails or scroll through social media, I can put my mind where my heart needs to be — on God first thing.

I’m far from perfect at doing this every day. But more often than not, if you’re looking for me at 6 a.m., you’ll find me in my basement, starting my day off right to center myself for whatever will come next.

I often tell clients that God meets us in the dark places, too, and for me, I guess that’s literal as we start our day together in my dark basement.

QUESTION #7: FOCUS

Our email subscribers get free ebooks featuring our favorite resources—lots of things that have truly impacted our faith lives. But you know about some really great stuff, too. What are three resources that have impacted you?

A book that’s become a big part of our family is “To Bless the Space Between Us” by John O’Donahue. A friend recommended this book to me, and since purchasing it I have used it both in my own life and with my family. We’ve even adopted the practice of reading a travel blessing from the book every time we go on a trip together. It’s a simple but profound reminder of what matters, and it’s a tradition that my kids have really enjoyed.

It might sound like a no-brainer, but another resource that’s greatly impacted the lives of my kids and, in turn, my own has been the “Jesus Storybook Bible.” My wife and I have read a story or two from this Bible to our kids every night since they were little, and now that they’re getting older and not as into the storybook version, I’m getting a bit nostalgic for those days. Sure, it might sound simple, but as parents, we often don’t realize the impact reading even a kids’ version of Jesus’ Word can have on our families — and also on ourselves.

Lastly, the writings of author and pastor Andy Stanley have been huge for my own faith journey and personal development as a leader and speaker. Andy’s messages and books are always relatable, motivating and able to teach me something new or help me think in a way I hadn’t before. Aside from the pastor at our local church, Andy’s sermons have been the ones directing my faith walk and helping me grow in my relationship with Jesus.

We all have things we cling to to survive (or thrive) in tough times. Name one resource you’ve found indispensable in this current season — and tell us what it’s done for you.

Something I’ve found refreshing and inspiring during this season of book writing and publishing has been the Instagram account @writtentospeak by Tanner Olson. Tanner writes amazing poems, prayers and stories and seemingly always posts something relevant to what I’m feeling or that I need to consider that day.

Although social media can sometimes feel like an unhealthy or disconnected place, it’s nice to connect with and follow people who are pursuing their calling and speaking the truth.

QUESTION #8: dream

God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?

As my first book releases, it feels like a lot of things are changing while, at the same time, some things are staying the same. In the next year, I plan to continue to write and travel, hosting retreats around the world while also hopefully doing more speaking.

Something that’s always been a dream for our family is to build a cabin in the Black Hills of South Dakota (think Mt. Rushmore) where we can go to recharge and spend time together. In this next year, we’re hoping to take the steps to make that dream a reality. I’ve been going to this area since I was a kid and have always loved the mountain climate, lakes and fresh air there.

My wife and kids have adopted that same love — only now we fly fish, mountain bike and ski. Our hope is that we can use the cabin both for our family and also as a place to host friends and others for retreats and rest.

In this last year, I’ve been given the opportunity to speak to several different kinds of audiences, and although I am always nervous at the beginning, I truly enjoy meeting people where they are and sharing messages of hope and grace. My prayer is that I continue to be a good steward of the gifts God has given me and that I continue to make a positive impact in a world that desperately needs it.

We loved Jason’s story about how he realized perfectionism was actually harming him instead of helping him. It leads us to wonder, “When was the last time we did something absolutely perfectly?” If we’re being completely honest, the answer is “Never.”

The truth is, no human being has ever achieved perfection except Jesus.

So why do we hold ourselves to arbitrary standards of human-based perfection? What if, instead, we simply worked on building our relationships with Jesus and let him do the rest?

“For the law never made anything perfect. But now we have confidence in a better hope, through which we draw near to God” (Hebrews 7:19, NLT).

Jason VanRuler is a licensed therapist, author, speaker and coach determined to help people grow their relationships, become stronger leaders and own their past to drive a better future. Over the years, he’s worked in everything from the corporate world to the entrepreneurial one — and now owns a private practice, writes books, gives speeches and facilitates and leads groups across the world. When he’s not working to help others improve their lives, you can find him cycling, fly fishing and living life with his wife and three children in South Dakota.

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