Advice on Moving Forward After Divorce
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: I never thought I’d get divorced. I tried hard to save my marriage, but ... well, it’s over now. Family and friends are telling me to move on with my children and start fresh. Do you have any thoughts?
Jim: Research shows that the stress and heartache of a broken marriage can be as significant as losing someone to death, especially for children involved. So, it’s best if a couple resolves their problems and heals the struggling relationship (and we have many resources to help). But for those who have already reached the point of divorce, it’s important to keep from further complicating difficult circumstances.
One of the most common mistakes after a failed marriage is the tendency to leap into a new relationship too quickly. It’s somewhat understandable — since the pain of a broken marriage can be crushing, many people choose to mask their grief behind the excitement of a new relationship instead of facing the hard stuff. But hiding our emotional baggage doesn’t resolve it. The junk is simply dragged into future relationships, where it’s guaranteed to resurface. That’s one reason why the divorce rate for second marriages is significantly higher than for first marriages.
So, take it slow; you need time to recover mentally. Meet with a counselor. Work through your emotional wounds and sort out what went wrong with your first marriage before you open yourself up to another relationship.
Also, the most important need your children have at this time in their life is stability. They need time to grieve the life they once knew before being expected to adjust to a new one. And that’s likely going to require sacrifice on your part. They (and you) will eventually be able to move forward, but it’s going to take plenty of time and understanding.
Our staff counselors would be happy to help. I invite you to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Q: I recently got married. One issue that has arisen is that my husband’s parents keep making unannounced visits. We’ve subtly suggested that they call or text first, but nothing has changed yet and they just keep showing up. What should we do?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: In-law relations can be a real eye-opener for newlyweds! Since this situation involves your husband’s parents, it’s best that he takes the lead in addressing the problem. That’s assuming the two of you are on the same page; if you aren’t, you’ll need to resolve this issue before tackling the in-law problem.
For a marriage to thrive, a couple needs to view and recognize themselves as a family unit — separate and distinct from their families of origin. The new family unit takes precedence over the old ones, meaning that you prioritize strengthening your marital relationship.
Hopefully, you can explain this position to your in-laws in a good-natured, non-defensive family discussion. I’d suggest your husband start by telling his parents how much you both love them and desire their appropriate involvement in your lives. Then he should explain that, as newlyweds, you’re working to establish a new life together and that requires a certain amount of privacy and independence. They’re welcome to visit occasionally, but you need advance notice.
If the in-laws react defensively, or continue to drop by unannounced, it’s probably time for some necessary boundaries. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend have written several great books on the subject. You can also speak with one of our staff counselors by calling the number listed above.
The bottom line here is learning to communicate effectively and work together as husband and wife. I wish you the best.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.