Jim Daly

Focus on the Family

A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.

Q: Quite frankly, I dread Mother’s Day. My husband and I are still childless after years of trying and thousands of dollars’ worth of infertility treatments. On top of that, my own mother died suddenly six months ago. I can’t remember ever feeling so lonely.

Jim: I hurt with you. Mother’s Day is always emotional for me, too. I was just 9 years old when my mom died prematurely; decades later, I still feel the power of her influence and the pain of her absence.

While it’s fitting and proper to set aside a day to honor mothers, the occasion doesn’t always feel joyous for everyone. Some, like us, have lost their mothers recently or too young. Others might be estranged from their moms, or perhaps divorce has impacted the dynamic of the day.

My heart also breaks for the many women who long to be mothers but whose dreams haven’t been realized due to infertility, illness or other reasons. (My wife, Jean, and I struggled for years before we were finally able to have kids.) Then there are mothers who have lost children to inexplicable tragedy. Please know you’re not forgotten. God knows, and he cares. He is close to the brokenhearted. And he understands our grief when we can’t even articulate our feelings.

Also in that spirit, Focus on the Family is here for people like you. We’re a faith-based ministry dedicated to helping families find hope and healing, whatever the circumstances. Call us at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459) or visit FocusOnTheFamiy.com.

Meanwhile, let me encourage you to consider that God can use our suffering to deepen our relationships with others. As you work through your grief, watch for people who are seeking the same listening ear that you need now — or have needed in the past. There’s great truth in the saying that friendship multiplies joys and divides sorrows.

Q: I often have to listen to my wife vent about problems with her friends, family members and coworkers. I can usually see a reasonable solution — but she seldom wants to hear about it. What’s the problem?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Let’s go straight to Relationship 101. Being guys, we like to fix things. That’s a useful skill when it comes to broken lamps and cars — but not so much when it’s your wife.

This is a common scenario in a lot of relationships. In fact, even as the trained expert with 30-plus years of marriage behind me, I still forget and do this to my wife, Erin. She’ll start to share her feelings, and I jump in with the perfect solution before she’s stopped talking. That’s when she’ll cross her arms and look right through me — and I realize I made a big mistake!

This gets to the core of who we are as men and women. Guys try to take the mystery out of things, especially relationships. We reduce things to their basic parts and (attempt to) solve what’s wrong. We’re quick to identify both the problem and the solution; we want to just get it fixed and move on with the least hassle possible.

However, women generally aren’t looking to be “solved.” They want to be heard and connected with — it’s part of their relational wiring. The “process of processing” is what helps most women work through things. And to be completely honest, I’ve gradually discovered that I usually learn more from Erin in these times than she would ever gain from my ill-advised fixes.

So, next time your wife opens up, remember this: She’s probably not asking you to crack a code or solve her problem. She just wants you to listen and offer your love, understanding and support.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.

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