Jim Daly

Focus on the Family

A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.

Q: The other day, my seven-year-old son came home crying after watching a kids’ movie at a friend’s house. He was upset because one of the film’s characters was mistreated by other children throughout the movie. Even though it was all fiction, my son was troubled for the rest of the day. Should I be concerned about this level and display of emotion?

Jim: Perhaps my own experience can be of some value here. I was only nine when my mom died, but I still vividly remember what people told me over and over the day of her funeral. They said, “Be a big boy, and don’t cry.” Now, I’m sure they meant well, but comments like that send a skewed message to young boys. It falsely conveys that real men don't show emotion ... that a man is all strength but no heart.

In my case, I wanted to be strong for my mom. According to the adult voices around me, that meant I wasn’t allowed to shed a tear. So, I went through the whole funeral struggling to suppress my emotions. I remember looking into my mom’s casket and thinking, “I gotta’ stay strong and be a man.”

That’s not just a heavy burden for a young child to bear, it communicates the wrong idea about what real manhood looks and acts like. Sure, strength is a crucial aspect of masculinity. Courage, integrity and character are what makes a man a good husband and father.

But being a strong man doesn’t mean guys should be robots. Our wives and children need us to be able to feel. That means not only expressing our emotions freely and appropriately, but being sensitive to theirs as well.

Authentic masculinity isn’t a choice between strength or tenderness. It’s about strength AND tenderness. I encourage you to help your son cultivate both characteristics.

Q: My husband and I are newlyweds. We’re starting to discover (the hard way) that we deal with life stresses differently, and we’re already struggling to understand each other. We didn’t expect this — what can we do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Welcome to married life — and a reality check! Stress often causes us to function in an out-of-balance mode where we end up operating in the extremes of our personalities.

Studies have long shown that men and women deal with stress differently. As a man’s stress level increases, his body produces more oxytocin hormone, which is further influenced by testosterone. These chemicals trigger a fight-or-flight response. In other words, when stressed, men either act more aggressively, or withdraw (“go into their cave”).

Women also produce more oxytocin, but since it’s coupled with estrogen, there’s a different result. Under stress, women tend to lean into relationships — either protectively nurturing their children or seeking out other female friends. Researchers have called this the “tend-and-befriend” response.

These varying chemical reactions set men and women up to generally respond very differently during times of stress. And that’s a recipe for tension in marriage. Women want to connect, while men may feel more ready to either pick a fight or withdraw. Understanding that contrast can go a long way toward helping you find common ground.

I should clarify that gender differences can seem pretty stereotypical. This scenario may look somewhat different in your marriage, but researchers have found it to occur in many relationships.

The way you respond to your spouse when they’re under stress has a direct impact on their behavior toward you — and, of course, vice versa. As we continue to understand how our mates are different, it allows us to love them more fully.

For insights on connecting and thriving as a couple, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.

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