Don't Give Up on Wandering Loved One
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: My adult nephew seems to have lost his way in life; he's behaving in ways that are completely foreign to our family's values. This situation grieves me deeply and my inclination is to just cut him out of our lives. Do you have any advice?
Jim: Many families encounter this difficult scenario. While I understand your feelings, I'd suggest you not give up on your loved one. You never know when a seed may take root and bloom. Let me share a story as an example.
Back in the mid-1960s, an archaeological dig in Israel uncovered a cache of date palm seeds nearly 2,000 years old. Most experts logically assumed that, having lain dormant for 2 millennia in such an arid climate, the seeds were dead and useless outside of their historic value. But some of the seeds were given to professors at a Jerusalem university to conduct scientific experiments. Surprisingly, the seeds germinated soon after being planted. In fact, within just a few years the date palm tree they produced was thriving and stood nearly eight feet tall.
That's a powerful reminder for families with a loved one who's wandering. When someone's life seems barren and directionless, it can feel as if their circumstances will never improve. But many of our lives are like that desert seed that blossomed into a beautiful tree against all expectations. Even when it seems like nothing is happening, you never know what potential may already be stirring inside someone's heart.
Sure, we can't be naive when a loved one is making poor choices; it's important to wisely enforce appropriate boundaries. But we have to remain hopeful that a wonderful transformation could be underway. And I can't over-emphasize the importance of praying for our loved ones and letting God work in their lives in His will and timing.
Q: In preparing for our wedding, my fiancee and I are asking various people — family, friends and experts — for their best marriage tips. Greg, what's your top advice?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials! There are many things I could say, but I'll go with this: Your chances for a successful marriage increase dramatically when you both agree to temper the ways you speak to one another.
Stop to consider the power of the words we speak. They can build up and heal our relationships, or they can tear them down and destroy them. Careless words are like runaway horses — once they're out in the open, they'll lead you down trails you never intended to travel. That's why it's so important to put up strong fences early in your relationship to guide you in what you should — and should NOT — say to one another.
One of the most effective boundaries for protecting a relationship is to remove even the thought of divorce from your conversations at all costs. Some people foolishly resort to threatening to end the marriage as a tactic for getting their way. Every relationship encounters disagreement at times. But if you allow yourself, in the heat of an argument, to even raise the possibility of divorce, it suddenly becomes a "real option." Instead, resolve that, come what may, divorce is absolutely off-limits. That will motivate you to seek other, constructive ways to settle your differences.
Make no mistake: Trouble will come to your relationship. That's part of being human. But take "divorce" out of your vocabulary and work on finding other opportunities for resolving the issues you face.
We have tons of resources to help build and maintain strong marriages at FocusOnTheFamily.com. For an enlightening (and free!) relationship assessment, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/TheMarriageAssessment.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.