Girl Taken Aback By Boyfriend’s Family’s Teasing
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: Our son’s new girlfriend seems taken aback by how much our family enjoys teasing and poking fun at each other. We’ve never thought about it, we just bust each other’s chops. But do you think there might be a problem?
Jim: Your family’s humor dynamics sound a lot like my household — but honestly, that’s not for everyone. It all depends on your distinctive family “culture.”
Since you’re all interconnected in ways unlike any other group of people, your family knows things about one another that nobody else does — and likely takes certain things for granted. Simply put, you have a common language. If it’s understood that teasing is part of that, you probably can’t fully eliminate it ... but it still has to be controlled.
Two important factors to consider are tone and motive. Are the jokes and stories designed to embarrass or hurt someone? Or are they meant to express appreciation and affection? The real litmus test should be the reaction of the one who’s getting “roasted” — and whether or not they think it’s funny.
This really boils down to two basic principles. First: Never sacrifice respect for humor. There are some jokes that demean ... but other jokes that can preserve family members’ self-esteem. Make sure everyone understands the difference.
Second: Whatever happens, ensure that every person in your household always feels that family is a safe place. If humor comes across as threatening, communication will cease — with all kinds of negative fallout. If this happens, Mom and Dad need to dig deeper and find out what else is going on. There’s an old saying that “many a truth is spoken in jest.” But when teasing becomes a way to rub salt into open wounds, it’s time for everyone to put all joking aside and respectfully air genuine grievances in open and honest dialogue.
Q: My son and his girlfriend just broke up. He seems sad and withdrawn and says he doesn’t want to talk about it. How can I support him through this painful time?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Breaking up is hard! And for your teen, the emotional intensity of losing the attention and approval of a girlfriend can feel crushing.
Though we may feel helpless as parents watching our kids wade through heartache, there’s actually a lot we can do. Here are five simple ways you can help:
Be available and respectful — but never dismissive — of what he is experiencing and feeling. When your teen feels securely connected at home, he will deal with adversity better. Let him know, verbally and non-verbally, that you are glad to be with him no matter what he’s going through.
Encourage your son to grieve. Acknowledge his loss — paying attention to and validating his feelings when he expresses them. Especially for young men, identifying emotions like sadness, anger, shame, embarrassment and despair is tough.
Listen. Let your teen vent his feelings without offering advice, solutions or correction. At this age, kids tend to be self-conscious and self-critical. So, if your son shares something that lacks perspective, ask a follow-up question such as, “Do you believe that about yourself?” “How can I help?” or “Can I give you a hug?”
Demonstrate your steadfast love and support during this emotionally vulnerable time by spending time doing things you enjoy together. Set aside extra time with him to play his favorite sport, watch a movie or grab a coffee or dinner and talk.
Invite conversation with questions like, “How’s your heart doing right now?” or “How are you holding up?”
And remember: As his parent, you are the most important human influence in your teen’s life. For additional parenting insights, visit FocusOnParenting.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.