Respect is the Foundation for Healthy Relationships
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: Do you have any advice for a newly married stepmom trying to build connections? My husband’s kids aren't warming up to me no matter what I do. Help!
Jim: Let’s acknowledge up front: Being a stepmom may be one of the toughest jobs a woman can have. No matter why the previous marriage ended, it often takes children a long time to adjust to someone new. Meanwhile, everybody’s uncomfortable. But your relationship with your stepchildren can thrive if you’ll make respect your primary goal.
Many stepmoms respond to tension by trying even harder to create a loving mother/child relationship. That’s understandable — but it seldom works. If your stepchild feels pressured to love you as much as their biological mother, it’ll drive them further away. They just aren’t ready for that relationship.
Authors Kathi Lipp and Carol Boley have both walked this challenging road. They suggest a practical approach in their book “But I'm Not a Wicked Stepmother” — rather than attempting to take on the full role of “mom” right away, interact with the kids more like a loving aunt or even a camp counselor. That usually minimizes the pressure everyone feels to create an intimate mother/child bond. When you emphasize mutual respect as the primary goal, the loving relationship you’re seeking will have a chance to develop more naturally.
Meanwhile, you and your husband can smooth the process by working as a united team. Discuss and set household guidelines together, and model equal respect toward every member of the blended family.
We offer a range of tips, tools and resources for stepparents at FocusOnTheFamily.com. If you’d like to discuss specific questions with our staff counselors in a one-time free consultation by phone, call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays.
Q: What do I do when my toddler throws an all-out tantrum in the grocery store or a restaurant?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Responding to a toddler’s tantrum can feel embarrassing and quickly spike your stress level! But you’re not alone — about 90% of toddlers have ongoing tantrums before age 5, many occurring in public.
Toddlers are in the process of learning how to be patient, self-controlled and adaptive. Tantrums usually come when a child is tired, hungry, hyper-focused, bored or trying to manage their wants that feel like needs (i.e., wanting a toy or candy). These are growth opportunities, requiring your guidance, patience and a response instead of a reaction.
Before you go out with your toddler, ask four questions:
1. Is my child tired? If so, consider going at a different time. Let your child take a quick nap before you leave, or go another day.
2. Is my child hungry? If so, give them a filling snack that won’t dysregulate their system. Sugary or carb-loaded snacks can disrupt their self-control.
3. Do I have some distractors ready? Bring some favorite toys or things to do — but NOT technology, which studies show can stunt self-control portions of a young child’s brain. Don’t bring the toys out until you reach your destination. Also, if your child is approaching an emotional meltdown, tell them unusual, random facts or unexpected pieces of interesting information. This may help jolt their brain back to a more rational place.
4. Considering my child’s age, am I planning to spend a reasonable amount of time at these places? Children this age need variety, movement and stimulation. Staying in one place too long can create the stress of boredom. Introduce tools of self-control and self-entertainment by gradually increasing the amount of time in one location.
Tantrums will someday come to an end, but your relationship with your child is a life-long journey. For more practical parenting tools, visit FocusOnParenting.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.