Jim Daly

Focus on the Family

A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.

Q: I recently heard a speaker say that we should set goals for our relationships. I understand setting specific objectives for finances, career or health. But I’m not really tracking with how this could improve my marriage. What are your thoughts?

Jim: As my two now-adult sons were growing up, my wife, Jean, and I would often talk to them about their goals. They’d typically mention things like grades or what they hoped to achieve in extracurricular activities. Those ideas were great, but we also tried to encourage the boys to think outside the box. Like, how could they develop their character as well?

Those conversations eventually prompted Jean and me to start setting goals for our marriage, as well. We generally discuss our relationship in terms of a theme for a given period. It could be “grace” or “forgiveness” — or that challenging favorite, “patience.” Then we try to weave that theme into every part of our marriage. So, we’ll not only try to be more patient with each other, we make it part of our conversations with one another for that season of life. And we talk regularly about how we see each other improving in that area. We cheer each other on. And that brings us even closer together.

Of course, a thriving relationship needs something a little more inspiring than “staying together.” So, find ways to keep your interest in each other alive. Read books or watch movies you can discuss afterward. Set concrete goals like saving for that dream vacation. Even better, intentionally build character into your marriage. Be more patient, more considerate or more forgiving with one another. And share positive feedback as you each see the other grow.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be a monotonous string of mundane days. Set some basic goals and work them into your relationship. For more tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I tend to tolerate a lot and then end up yelling at my kids. I know that’s not the best parenting strategy, so how can I change this pattern?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a common scenario. Most of the time, just “tolerating” seems easier and takes less energy. However, it’s simply avoidance — and it delays the fact that you’ll need to intervene at some point.

Parents fall into this approach for various reasons: they don’t know what to do; they feel too tired, helpless or busy to deal with misbehavior; or they tend to avoid conflict. Children need clear, consistent and timely boundaries and direction. The saying “you get what you tolerate” is absolutely true.

Here’s a quick list of actions to help change your approach:

• Explore why you choose to tolerate. Would you tell a friend to do the same with their kids? Sometimes we’re too close to the action to recognize our own weak spots.

• Look at your kids’ behaviors as opportunities to provide guidance. Be curious and engaged. This takes energy, time and patience — but it pays off.

• Prioritize healthy conflict in your home. Healthy conflict may mean your kids are temporarily upset; that’s OK. You’re not their parent to make them happy. You get to guide, teach and love your child toward healthy relationships, which involves healthy conflict.

• Get good rest and take care of yourself, so you can show up with patience, self-control and love for your children. Parenting on empty rarely goes well. You need to fill up your tank so you have margin for those moments when you especially need it.

This is just an initial list of steps toward a very important and needed momentum shift in your relationship with your kids. For more, see FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.