The Art of an Apology
Debra Fileta
5 min read ⭑
I’ve been spending a lot of time on the topic of apologies lately. I’m not even exaggerating when I say there’s got to be at least ten apologies happening daily in our home between the six of us family members (most of them involving three boys who shall remain unnamed). Some of you may know this fun fact, but we homeschool our kids, which means we all live together, eat together, do school together and hang out together an extraordinary amount of time each day. Which makes for a lot of opportunities for apologies, if you know what I mean.
Being a parent of four kids is humbling on many levels, but I think the most humbling part is when you see glimpses of their childish behaviors mimicking the childlike behaviors that live inside of us as adults. I always say that there’s a little child in each of us who tries to make his or her way to the surface of our lives, especially when we’re feeling hurt. I can’t say I’ve never been guilty of the #sorrynotsorry, least amount of effort possible, or backhanded apology. If we’re honest with ourselves, we’ve all been there at some point. We’re apologizing with our words, but not necessarily with our hearts.
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Not only does that type of half-hearted apology prevent our relationships from recovering quickly, but it also prevents the recipient of the apology from being able to recover, process the apology and begin to move forward. And not just in our emotional recovery, but in our physical recovery too. One study showed that people who received “pseudo apologies” had the same level of elevated blood pressure as those who had no apology at all after a conflict. Think about that for a moment. The half-hearted apology got the same physical reaction as no apology at all! It was only in those who received a genuine apology that researchers were able to see a rapid decrease in their blood pressure.
There are times where you might genuinely believe you’re giving a good apology, but the emotional or physical reaction you’re seeing from the person in front of you says otherwise. Your words to a friend, your spouse, a relative or someone else don’t seem to be getting received the way that you intended. Here are some things to take into consideration about the way that you’re apologizing.
Part 1: Acknowledge What It Is You Are Sorry For
A good apology starts by being specific. Using the basic phrase “I’m sorry” in and of itself doesn’t work in an apology because it doesn’t give context to what you’re apologizing for. What you think you’re apologizing for might be very different from what the other person needs an apology for. This is why it’s important to be really clear when you’re apologizing and acknowledge exactly what it is you’re apologizing for: “I’m sorry I was distracted by my phone during dinner.” “I’m sorry I had a rude tone with you.” “I’m sorry I took out my frustration and stress from work on you.” A healthy apology always starts with complete ownership and a specific acknowledgement. Be clear about what it is that you did that you are taking ownership of as your starting point. I clarify what you did because some people will try to sneak in the apology that sounds more like “I’m sorry you feel hurt” rather than “I’m sorry I hurt you.” That’s not ownership. So don’t do it.
“The next time you’re confronted about something and need to apologize, don’t let that little child inside of you come out and sabotage the interaction with a half-hearted apology.”
Part 2: Validate Their Feelings
The next step to a healthy apology is to validate the feelings of the person you hurt. Try to put into words what they might be feeling and let them know you understand their perspective. Here’s what it might sound like, putting parts 1 and 2 together: “I’m sorry I didn’t consider you when I made plans today. It made you feel hurt and unimportant to me.” “I’m sorry I was distracted by my phone at dinner. You probably felt neglected and that you weren’t my priority.” It doesn’t have to be long or elaborate, but the point is to validate the hurt as well as the feelings of the person you’re apologizing to and show them you see their perspective.
Part 3: Explain What You Will Do Differently
A healthy apology doesn’t just own what happened in the past; it owns what will change in the future as well. This reminds me of the time when Eli and Ella were five and seven years old, and Ella repeatedly asked Eli to stop spraying her with the hose outside. He didn’t, and I eventually had to intervene. He gave as lovely of an apology as his little five-year-old self could muster, and then moments later, he sprayed her with the hose again. Call me crazy, but something about that gesture confirmed to me that he wasn’t truly sorry. This part of the apology is so vital because it allows intentional thought to be put into what I’m going to do differently. A true apology doesn’t just look at alleviating the pain point; it looks at changing the pattern. It answers the question: How can we do things differently moving forward? Putting all three parts together might sound like this: “I’m sorry I was distracted by my phone at dinner. You probably felt neglected and that you weren’t my priority. From now on, I’ll put my phone on the desk during dinner in order to give you my complete attention.” We’re all flawed human beings. A genuine apology doesn’t mean we will never make that same mistake again (because most likely we will at some point), but it does show our intentionality to do things differently moving forward.
Part 4: Ask for Forgiveness
This is the simplest part of a healthy apology, but in my opinion, it’s also the most meaningful. It’s asking for forgiveness. And it takes humility to do it in a way that really moves the apology from simple words coming out of my mouth to a posture of my heart. “Will you forgive me?” A few simple words have the power to convey your desire to reconcile, reconnect and move forward together.
The next time you’re confronted about something and need to apologize, don’t let that little child inside of you come out and sabotage the interaction with a half-hearted apology. Ask God for humility, maturity and the strength to apologize well, and then watch how a healthy apology leads to a healthy relationship. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2, NIV).
Debra Fileta is a professional counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of Choosing Marriage, True Love Dates, Love in Every Season, Are You Really OK? and Married Sex. She’s also the host of the hotline-style Talk To Me podcast. Her popular relationship advice blog, TrueLoveDates.com, reaches millions of people with the message of healthy relationships. Connect with her on Facebook, Instagram or X.
Taken from People Skills by Debra Fileta. Copyright © 2026. Used by permission of Harvest House Publishers.
