Debra Fileta

Want healthy relationships? Start by becoming a healthy person. That’s Debra Fileta’s motto when it comes to love, dating and marriage. A licensed counselor, relationship expert and national speaker, Debra seeks to make the world around her a better place by helping individuals reach a healthier place.

You’ll find her life-changing message on every page of her popular books: "Choosing Marriage," "True Love Dates," "Love in Every Season," "Are You Really OK?" and "Married Sex." And her insights into love, sex, singleness, dating and marriage draw millions of listeners to tune in to her podcast, “Love + Relationships.”

If you want honest answers to tough questions about life, faith and emotional health, you’ll enjoy Debra’s interview today. She gets real about what God is teaching her, what true personal health looks like, why she sets firm boundaries in her life and more.

QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT

There’s much more to a meal than palate and preference. How does your go-to order at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?

The fact that my go-to restaurant right now is my very own kitchen is going to be really revealing. The reason being we just had our surprise baby number 4 (who we call our quarantine baby) a few months ago. We thought we were done having children, and then he came along! So life with an unexpected infant and three other children has certainly changed our regular rhythm this season.

Our favorite thing to do right now is to cook a meal at home and sit outside on the deck with the kids, enjoying time together for a low-key evening, a chance to catch up and play. Some seasons ask you to focus outward, and other seasons ask you to focus inward. I’d say we’re in an inward season right now, and it’s been really good.

QUESTION #2: REVEAL

We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests, but we tend to hide them. What do you love doing that might surprise (or shock) people?

I love to cook. Growing up in a Middle Eastern household, food was such an important part of life. I can still smell the scent of fresh garlic and olive oil floating around the house! And naturally, that cultural value was passed down to me without my realizing it.

Cooking is a big part of our family, and it’s the way I get to allow my creative juices to flow. So often as a therapist and author, I’m working with my mind and heart. Cooking allows me to work with my hands and create something for our family to enjoy. We all get involved in the process together, and that might mean our 5-year-old cracks eggs, our 9-year-old helps with dishes or our 10-year-old stirs something at the stove. We’re a team, and we get a chance to connect over a delicious home-cooked meal. We get to travel the world via the different cuisines we experience and try together. It’s such an important part of the way we do life.

QUESTION #3: CONFESS

Every superhero has a weakness. Every human too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you hide it?

It’s funny you ask this because I just released a book called “Are You Really OK?,” and I feel like I can’t answer questions like this without pausing and doing an assessment of who I am and how I’m doing before I answer that.

I’ve struggled with clinical depression and anxiety on and off in different seasons of my life. I wouldn’t call mental health struggles a “weakness,” but I would say they’ve been a point of sensitivity for me. I always tell people that just because you’re a Christian doesn’t mean you’re healthy. And I’ve learned that to be true in my own life.

I have to be extra careful in how I manage my life and emotions so that I don’t allow myself to sink back into those places. I’ve learned over the years to recognize my triggers. Some of those triggers come from false beliefs I can tend to carry about myself, from doing too much, from not resting enough, from hormonal imbalances that impact me, from thinking I can do it all. I’ve learned what it looks like to pace myself in life and to take regular inventory (I’m talking weekly!) of how I’m doing emotionally.

Licensed counselors aren’t immune to mental and emotional struggles, just like doctors aren’t immune to getting sick. We all have our kryptonite — our areas of vulnerability. But they don’t have to control our lives.

QUESTION #4: FIRE UP

Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your obsession? And why should it be ours?

My passion started 8 years ago, and it revolves around the topic of healthy relationships. I have a website called TrueLoveDates.com as well as a podcast called “Love + Relationships” that, together, reach millions of people with the message of healthy relationships.

But the thing is, you can’t have healthy relationships if you’re not healthy standing alone. Healthy people make healthy relationships. And that has been my soapbox lately, as I’ve had the opportunity to work with hundreds of clients and interact with people all over the world about the topic of relationships.

If you want to have a successful relationship, dating life or marriage — you have to take a step back and assess your personal level of health standing alone! And that’s why I wrote “Are You Really OK?”

It was triggered by my own journey of healing — and it’s a book that guides the reader, almost like a one-on-one therapy session with me, into diving deep to see how they’re really doing emotionally, spiritually, mentally and even physically. It’s a time to check up, to take inventory.

I’ve realized that the root of so many relationship problems goes back to our personal level of health. I can’t get away from that message, and I feel like I can’t do justice to the topic of healthy relationships without going here first. So that’s been the biggest thing on my heart, in my writing, through my podcast and on my Instagram feed. You’ll see it all over everything I do.

QUESTION #5: BOOST

Cashiers, CEOs, contractors or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it's God when it happens?

My relationship with God is the fuel for everything I do and especially the message he’s put on my heart. When people asked Jesus to tell them the greatest command, he said: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. To me, that represents a holistic approach to life and healing. To me, each of those components stands for something we need to work on in order to love God fully. The heart represents emotional health; the soul represents spiritual health; the mind, mental health; and strength, physical health.

I think we often (and I did this as well in my own life in different seasons) tend to focus on our spiritual health while neglecting the other parts of our healing. But I’ve realized that when you focus only on your spiritual well-being (at the expense of your emotional and mental well-being), you’re actually stunting your spiritual growth in the end because they all work together.

I’ve felt the Spirit calling me, and others, into an all-inclusive version of healing: heart, soul, mind and strength. And I’m so ready for it. I’m so ready to go there myself, and I’m so ready to help people get there.

QUESTION #6: inspire

Some people divide things sacred and things secular. But you know, God can surprise us in unlikely places. How do you find spiritual renewal in so-called “nonspiritual” activities?

Spiritual renewal for us is wrapped up in our family’s theme word, and that word is this: No.

I know it doesn’t sound like a spiritual word, but for us, it really is. That’s how we fill up and refuel. We take a look at our lives and do our best to focus on the essentials. We’ve realized that we can’t do it all as a family, and personally, I can’t do it all as a counselor, author, speaker, podcaster and so on.

So we’ve learned to look at our life and schedule through the eyes of essentials. What’s essential to the calling God has put on our lives and our family? What can we say no to? What do we need to cut out of our lives? What do we need to say no to in this season? No is the scalpel we use, like a surgeon, to cut away the things that are unhelpful or harmful in our lives. No gives us time to rest, to recollect, to focus. So for me, setting boundaries around my life is not only how I renew, but it’s essential, even required, to keep my heart, soul, mind and strength in a good place.

QUESTION #7: FOCUS

Our email subscribers get free e-books featuring our favorite resources — lots of things that have truly impacted our faith. But you know about some really great stuff too. What are three of your favorite resources?

I’ll start my list with therapy. I know this isn't necessarily a traditional “resource,” but I think it should be! And can I just say what a big fan I am of therapy? I am a therapist, so sure, I might be biased — but I enrolled in therapy in my own life during a dark season of anxiety and depression. And the Lord used it so much in my life to bring healing, perspective, empathy, strength and courage. I wonder how often Christians are afraid to go to therapy because they feel like it’s acknowledging they are sick and in need of a doctor. But what if we started seeing therapy like going to the gym? We’re going to work out our emotional and mental muscles and become the strongest and best version of ourselves. I feel like that perspective shift could truly change things.

Second, I have to say Gary Thomas’ books. Hands down. Gary has been a hero in the faith and the relationship space for me ever since I was in graduate school. His books, especially “Sacred Marriage,” impacted my husband and me so much during that early season of being newlyweds.

Gary and I crossed paths a few times over the years, and what’s crazy is that Gary and I have become friends and colleagues, and we’ve even co-authored a book together, which comes out in October. Our book is titled “Married Sex,” and it’s about intimacy from a pastor/counselor and male/female perspective, in case any of you were wondering. (Because you know any book on sex in marriage sounds interesting!) Gary’s and my collaboration just shows you God’s sense of humor. He’s allowed me to co-author a book with one of my long-time mentors, and it was a surreal opportunity.

Lastly, I’ve been so blessed by worship — just to be able to have free, honest, open times of worship with Jesus. I’m so grateful for the many musicians and songwriters like Elevation, Hillsong, Bethel, Maverick City, Kari Jobe — so many talented worship artists who have ushered us into God’s presence this past year. That has been huge for me.

We all have things we cling to to survive (or thrive) in tough times. Name one resource you’ve found indispensable in this current season — and tell us what it's done for you.

Journaling. It’s been so good for me to be able to write out and process my spiritual, emotional and mental health journey over the years. To keep track of what God is doing, what I’m going through, what I’m praying over, what I’m learning. Not only is journaling proven to decrease stress, but it’s a way to keep an account of your life experiences so you can look back and see all that God has done. How he’s always been there. How he’s never let us down. All it takes is a blank journal and a pen and then making space to allow God to speak onto the pages in front of you. It’s been life-changing for me.

QUESTION #8: dream

God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So, give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?

I felt led to start a series on my “Love + Relationships” podcast in which I ask some significant leaders and teachers in the church, “Are you really OK?” In other words, how are they really doing outside of the spotlight?

I believe that opening up about our mental and emotional health starts from the top down, that is, from leaders down. That’s where the example is set. That’s where the stigma begins to come down.

So I opened my podcast doors and invited people to talk to me in the form of live, on-air therapy sessions that I would record and share on my podcast. And wow. It has truly been so powerful. Matt Chandler, Levi Lusko, Christine Caine, Natalie Grant, Jeremy Camp — so many incredible people agreed to open their hearts and share about their journey with mental and emotional health. We talked about childhood wounds, trauma, panic attacks, depression, medications, marriage struggles — you name it, we went there. It was so raw, authentic and beautiful. It was so inspiring.

And it’s lit a fire in so many other people. I’ve heard from hundreds of people who’ve been challenged and changed. It’s challenged so many people to take a good, hard look at how they are really doing. If these leaders in the spotlight have permission to struggle, so do we. If these leaders needed therapy, support and even medications, maybe it’s OK for us, too. I think it’s made such an impact that I’m asking the Lord how he wants me to continue this series in the future. It was a short-term, eight-part series, but I feel like there’s something here. And I’m asking God to show me what that might look like in the future. So I guess we can all stay tuned. Even me!

We love how honestly Debra Fileta answers her own question: Are you really OK? She doesn’t shy away from the truth about her health — emotionally, mentally, spiritually or physically. Instead, she uses each of these areas as a gauge to help her discern her overall health and relationship with the Lord.

In a culture where emotional and mental health issues are so prevalent — and yet often a taboo topic of discussion — Debra’s example is a great one to follow. As much as 59% of churchgoers who struggle with a mental illness say they want their church to talk openly about mental health, according to LifeWay Research.

But for that to happen, we have to start by being honest with ourselves.

If you’re not comfortable with deep introspection, feel free to start slow. Begin a journal and commit to writing in it each day, even if it’s just a few sentences at first. Ask yourself: How am I really doing? What’s going on in my life, and how is it affecting my heart? How is it affecting my emotions, my relationships and my intimacy with God?

These simple questions can be our first step to choosing honesty — with ourselves and with others.