Kimberly Phinney

At only 22, Kimberly Phinney was told she had endometriosis. She thought things would be fine with some strategic diet, exercise and medicine. But she was wrong. Fast forward over a decade, and Kimberly found herself with stage 4 endometriosis — that meant losing her ability to walk and function, undergoing major surgeries and even getting sepsis. None of this was her plan. But God brought her and her family through, and she’s decided that even though life is full of pain, it’s still worth it — and she wants to live it to the fullest while helping others do the same.

Kimberly pours the soul-healing lessons God has taught her into her poetry, her articles, her book (“Of Wings and Dirt”) and her artistic community, The Way Back to Ourselves. In this conversation, she’s getting honest about the suffering she’s been through, the inspiration behind her most popular poems and the difference she feels when she’s striving in her own effort vs. thriving in the Holy Spirit.

QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT

There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?

It’s a bit tricky to give you a straight answer when you ask me about a favorite meal in my hometown. You see, I’ve been seriously ill for quite some time (stage 4 endometriosis, sepsis, wheelchairs, surgeries — I think you get the picture), so going out to grab a pizza or delighting in fine dining at a local five-star eatery has been difficult and — at times — impossible.

I also must stretch a bit when you ask me about a “hometown” restaurant. I live in Tampa, but my heart and part-time residency are in the Blue Mountains of North Carolina in a little town southwest of Asheville. As I write these lines, I have just returned from a long stint in those very mountains with my friends and family.

Breaking bread with my loved ones in that rarefied air has come to be a true slice of heaven. It can be at a variety of local mom-and-pop shops, and what we eat often takes a back seat to the company we keep after the long, dark valley we’ve been in. Maybe that’s why these Blue Ridged Beauties mean so much to me; we all need mountaintop experiences in our lives so we can survive painful valleys. I experienced a meal just like this a few days ago at a popular brunch spot.

My husband, daughter and I enjoyed some tasty Southern seafood with my mom, sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I dug into some shrimp and grits and downed an ice-cold latte to fend off the spicy andouille sausages. Everyone lauded their meals. French fries, dusted in rosemary and sea salt, were passed around generously as “the best fries ever.” The décor was charming and quaint. The energy was bustling. And yet all this delightfulness was secondary to the fullness of my heart as I sat back and had my first taste of “normal” life after almost losing mine. Watching my daughter snuggle with her baby cousin after many months apart was sublime. Seeing my mother and husband relax into an ease I have not seen in years was a sweet relief. Yes, we ate good food. But what was truly good was that we were there together against all odds.

QUESTION #2: REVEAL

We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activity (or activities) do you love engaging in, which also helps you find essential spiritual renewal?

I must be honest here — I asked my husband about this one. I said, “Husband, what is a quirky thing I do that helps me with spiritual stuff?” Without pause, he said, “Easy. Your borderline obsession with your plant babies.” He even used air quotes around the words “babies.” I gave up a half-grin with no retort because I knew — like he did — that he was right. During my illness, I was homebound on and off for four years. In that time, I went from having about two or three houseplants to over 30. The outdoor garden has grown in the same way, although its relative health has ebbed and flowed with my own.

But I must say, in learning to have a green thumb, I learned how to come back to life. There is a reason God started the story of the world in a garden. There is a reason he redeemed it all through a garden too. The metaphors are so rich and true — from the seasons to the parts of flowers and trees to the growing and pruning process right down to organic matter and symbiosis. It is all right there before us, unfolding and instructing us about life and the spiritual realm that we can only imagine. My plant “babies” are the central point of inspiration in my debut poetry collection “Of Wings and Dirt” for good reason. In the garden is where God speaks to me most clearly. His language is the language of flowers and earth.

QUESTION #3: CONFESS

Every superhero has a weakness. Every human too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite, and how do you hide it?

Hi, very human here! It’s nice to meet you. I’m not one for small talk, so let’s just dive into the awkward and deep stuff, like my personal weakness and the great lengths I’ve gone to hide it most of my life. Externally, my weaknesses parade around as perfectionism, people-pleasing and overachieving tendencies. This also means, from an exterior point of view, I have “fake” weaknesses — because who wouldn’t want to achieve perfection and be everyone’s favorite person to be around?

But, my friends, these weaknesses have a dark side, and that deep root, which has influenced much of my behavior throughout my adult life, is my fear of rejection. Some might call this insecurity. My counselor called it my “shame core.” And as you know, there is a large divide between shame and guilt. Guilt says, “I did a bad thing.” Shame says, “I am bad.” It wasn’t until I walked through illuminating trauma, counseling and illness that I truly learned about these dark drives of mine. And by the grace of God (and a lot of therapeutic and relational support), I was able to work through them, heal and learn to thrive in a new way.

Now, I know about my belovedness and inherent belonging. I don’t need to add or subtract a thing as God’s kid. I don’t need to jump through hoops or perform to be worthy. And guess what … neither do you! We belong — just because. There is no modifier required.

QUESTION #4: FIRE UP

Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your current obsession? And why should it be ours?

In my day job, I am an English professor online and a doctoral candidate in community care and counseling. But prior to 2023, I taught for nearly 20 years in secondary schools with kids who were at-risk and then as the English department head at a private school. Teaching transformed my life, but due to my illness, I could no longer work a 9-to-5 job. This turn of events was easily one of the most painful experiences in my life, but God knows the road ahead far better than I.

That is why, today, I need to tell you about the miraculous birth of www.TheWayBack2Ourselves.com and how my debut poetry collection, “Of Wings and Dirt,” made its way into the world in the most unexpected way. The Way Back to Ourselves is an authentic Christian community of faithful creatives and leaders who believe everyone belongs as we work together to promote unity and beautify the kingdom in art and deed. We have a literary journal, retreats and Zooms, a podcast, a blog and an artist collective as well as products, creative services and more.

The vision for The Way Back to Ourselves came to me in a fever dream while I was ill with sepsis. For months after, I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and in August of 2022, the website was born as I battled COVID in isolation. It was around this same time that the poetry came back after a very long stint of silence. I was in my garden, tending to the neglect that occurred over the many months I was bedridden. I realized how brutal I had to be to the plants as I ripped away the dead parts so they could thrive again. Soon, I began to tremble — not just because I was weak — but because it was as if God had broken an iceberg of clarity over my head. He said, “See, my child? See what I do because I love you?” I dropped what I was doing, hobbled into the house, and wrote “A Brutal Love,” which I call the mother poem to my entire collection, “Of Wings and Dirt.” I wrote it in just a few minutes and did not edit a single part.

Then, day after day, the poetry came to save my life. Before I knew it, my poetry was awarded and published widely, and I realized that God was writing a book about suffering, survival and redemption through me. As they say, the rest is history. I warmly invite you to come find us and connect! And if you’re walking through pain or tragedy of any sort, might I recommend “Of Wings and Dirt?” I trust the lines will rise to meet you exactly where you are in your journey.

“A Brutal Love” by Kimberly Phinney

In my garden, mid-bloom,
I take the sheers
and cut them to their knuckles.
Breaking their necks,
the petals shed like blood
on the sodden earth.

I stand over them.

I am brutal
to the roses,
to the day lilies,
and daisies.
To the gardenias,
I am brutal
and unyielding —
their burnt offerings,
white ash,
like a death before me
in the dirt.

But I know better.

Oh, it is a Brutal Love
that birthed the universe,
demanded Isaac,
offered Job
and required the cross!
His is a Brutal Love:
ancient and unyielding,
perennial and unchanging.
Oh, it is a Brutal Love
that sheared me mid-bloom,
that allowed for winter days
of barren grief —
a dark night of the soul
like a death before me.

But he knew better.

In his garden
there is a severe mercy
in his pruning —
a Brutal Love falling down like rain.
And in his season
there is a humming from the earth:
a green bud unfurled.

And he is standing over me.

QUESTION #5: BOOST

Cashiers, CEOs, contractors or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?

I recently entered my 40s, so with age and suffering came a bit more wisdom. I know more than ever that I need grace and the Holy Spirit in all I experience and do. In these times, I have also learned there is a deep chasm between doing things in my own strength and doing things in God’s strength through me.

I’ve also learned how stubborn I am — or maybe it’s humankind? — because every morning, I try to pick back up what I rested at the foot of the cross the night before. So how do I know when it’s just me or when it’s God and me? I have learned there is a distinct feeling of what I would call a “flow state.” When I am doing something on my own, it often feels like hoisting a heavy load through a narrow door. Sometimes that door bounces around or slams shut while I am in the midst of hoisting. Sometimes I fail at getting whatever it is that I’m trying to lift through the door. Sometimes I am successful. But either way, I am exhausted. I am, like Dr. Brene Brown says, hustling for my worth.

But when I am living, striving and thriving in the Holy Spirit, everything changes in the “flow state.” Whatever I am carrying doesn’t feel so heavy; in fact, sometimes it feels delightful. And that proverbial door? Well, it’s large. It glows, and it is swung wide-open for me to walk through. Yes, there is still hoisting and walking and working. And, yes, in all my humanness, I get tired — even when I’m hanging out with God. But the journey is so full of light and friendship. And when I am done doing whatever it is I am doing, I am filled up with peace, gratitude and praise. I’m not drained or anxious. That’s the Holy Spirit difference in my life!

QUESTION #6: inspire

Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied habits that open our hearts to the presence of God. So let us in. Which spiritual practice is working best for you right now?

I recently wrote a poem called “My Monkish Life.” It’s in my debut book of poetry and was published in Fathom Magazine earlier this year. Essentially, what I learned through my illness (because I was forced to) was the art of slow, quiet living. In many ways, I learned how to become a “monk” so I could survive the suffering I endured for months on end, bedridden and homebound, totaling four years, four surgeries and multiple hospitalizations. Before my acute illness, I had no idea how to sit with myself. I had no idea how to survive a full day of quiet and solitude. It was immensely painful at first. In fact, I nearly lost my mind.

However, bit by bit, month after month, I learned to be quiet and content with the prosaic wonder of the uneventful life. Because — yes, God was there — and even more so. Being slow and quiet is now a way of being for me as I gain back a somewhat “normal” life. Slowness is not a life-sentence I am serving — as I once thought — but a spiritual practice I embrace. It enables me to pray whenever I need to, recognize God in the details, notice emotions I need to work through, create thoughtful art and be radically present with my loved ones and the natural world.

Today, I look at my old life and find it an impossible one. I see why I was in the red zone every single day. I understand why God and my authentic self felt so far off. I was stuffed to the brim with noise and a busyness that was slowly killing me. The way of slow and quiet is the way of the Holy Spirit in us. It makes me think of the Scripture: “But the Lord was not in the wind. And after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire the sound of a low whisper” (1 Kings 19:11,12).

QUESTION #7: FOCUS

Looking backward, considering the full sweep of your unique faith journey and all you encountered along the way, what top three resources stand out to you? What changed the game and changed your heart? What radically altered your life? What changed your reality?

I have learned that I am an intellectual with the bleeding heart of an artist, so much of my life has been lived in this tension of needing deep understanding and spiritual meat to feel nourished while also struggling with uniformity, control, binary thinking and spaces where discourse or authenticity are discouraged. All of this to say, the books, sermons and spaces that have saved me and formed me somehow embody this spirit. I am drawn to the spirit of the struggle and the thinkers who happily embrace gray area and mystery as well as truth and light. They can be hard to find sometimes, but the ones who have forged this path also live large among us.

1. C.S. Lewis’ conversion story and “Mere Christianity” as well as his works “The Abolition of Man,” “The Great Divorce,” “The Problem with Pain, A Grief Observed,” etc. I can credit Lewis with saving me from walking away from the faith in my 20s.

2. Anything from Dr. Timothy Keller, such as his books “The Reason for God,” “Making Sense of God,” “Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering,” “The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness” and many more. His sermon series on Spotify is also a staple for me. I read, listen to or study something from Dr. Keller nearly daily. His work is profound, true and relevant — especially in times like these.

3. Third place must be a tie. I have hovered on this for a full week, and I still can’t make a distinction between two greats in my life: Henri Nouwen and Charles Spurgeon. One thing these two powerful men of the faith had in common was their deep struggle with mental illness. It was their writings and teaching that saved my life when I struggled with my own crippling depression and anxiety and what that meant as a Christian. I recommend Nouwen’s “The Inner Voice of Love,” “The Wounded Healer” and “You Are the Beloved” if you struggle with the things I have. I recommend Zack Eswine’s book, “Spurgeon’s Sorrows,” as a great introduction to Spurgeon’s own struggles as well as Spurgeon’s sermons and work on suffering, like “Encouragement for the Depressed” and “The Silent Shades of Sorrow.”

We all have things we cling to to survive (or even thrive) in tough times — times like these! Name one resource you’re savoring and/or finding indispensable in this current season, and tell us what it’s doing for you.

As a faithful creative who serves and teaches other faithful creatives and leaders, these amazing places have been a steady diet for me lately. They inspire me, stretch me and always move me toward loving God more and creating art that beautifies the kingdom.

1. The podcast “Makers and Mystics” from my friend Stephen Roach of The Breath and The Clay. He was our special guest speaker at The Cultivate Retreat for The Way Back to Ourselves this past June and did an outstanding job tackling the role of the artist in today’s divided world. His podcast does an outstanding job of creating faith-centered conversations around the art and faith movement, inviting nuance, mystery and diverse perspectives.

2. “Ekstasis Magazine” from founder Conor Sweetman and Christianity Today. Ekstasis serves a community of faithful creatives, leaders and thinkers who are starving for a fine arts revitalization and renaissance in Christian spaces. Conor has also been a kind mentor to me, publishing my work in Ekstasis and providing opportunities with Christianity Today.

3. The poetry of Wendell Berry and Mary Oliver. These two poets do for me what few poets can: they merge the sacredness of nature and God through the simplicities and complexities of the human experience through a voice and vision that is only their own. No doubt, their work has made me a better poet — and person.

4. Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way.” This is a mainstay in my life and the first resource I recommend to faithful creatives who want to commit to the life of an artist. It merges soul care with craft care. You emerged more healed, more awake and more creative. What’s better than that?

QUESTION #8: dream

God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?

When I lost my classroom in 2023 to illness and very painful circumstances, I was crushed. I knew to my core that I was made by God to teach. So how, then, with a broken body and spirit, would I ever do that again? The other urging God put on my heart at the tender age of about 8 was the calling of a writer. So teaching and writing aren’t just jobs for me — but deeply purposeful vocations. They are the air I breathe.

In the days and weeks after leaving a 20-year career in teaching, I cried out to God on many occasions. I lamented how he could “let this happen” to me, knowing full well the loss I had endured and the deep callings in my heart. Now, in the space of just over a year, I see how God has been at work. He wasn’t taking away my classroom; he was just blowing out the walls so that I could teach souls without boundaries. He wasn’t limiting my ability to write and communicate; he was allowing for adversity because he saw me as faithful … and in that endurance, I now have a new song to sing and his story of victory to tell.

And those two things — teaching and writing — are what I plan to do for the rest of my life, in whatever capacity I can, as long as God allows for it. Today, this looks like growing and nurturing the thriving community that is www.TheWayBack2Ourselves.com. It looks like writing many more books — poetry and beyond. It looks like continuing my work as a professor and completing my doctorate in community care and counseling. My dissertation is on belonging, which is something we all need more of today. My second book of poetry is about halfway complete with the working title of “Exalted Ground: Poetry for Those Who Praise and Lament.”

According to Psychology Today, “writing and reading poetry can be a springboard for growth, healing, and transformation.” Writing, in particular — whether poetry or journaling — has healing properties as it nurtures mindfulness, self-awareness and self-expression.

Kimberly experienced this as she wrote poems featuring her raw emotions and the lessons God taught her.

The Bible, too, highlights the power of writing down what’s most important to our souls: “My son, keep my words and treasure up my commandments with you; … bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart” (Prov. 7:1, 3, ESV).

How can you use writing this week to bring healing to your heart?