Nicole Zasowski
9 min read ⭑
“Sometimes God’s rescue looks like prying our fingers off what we think we want so that we can receive what we truly need. And often, on the far side of pain we don’t prefer, we find transformation we would not trade. ”
QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT
There’s much more to a meal than palate and preference. How does your go-to order at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?
I’ve lived in three out of four corners of the United States. I grew up in Seattle and am forever a Northwest girl. I spent my undergraduate and graduate school years in Los Angeles and now live in a small beach town in Connecticut just outside New York City.
The through-line in each of these places has been the coast and, therefore, the seafood cuisine. My husband Jimmy and I recently made the move to our little beach town in Connecticut. Part of the reason for this move was my love for the water and my ache for a taste of my childhood on a lake in the Northwest.
Just before you enter our neighborhood, you’ll pass a local seafood restaurant called Rowayton Seafood that captures the heart of our little community. It’s about 200 yards from our front porch and happens to be our favorite restaurant in Connecticut. It’s breezy and beachy in the summer and cozy in the winter. Rowayton Seafood has played host to some of our most meaningful conversations since we moved to Connecticut almost nine years ago. It offers hints of home and reminds me that, as much as I miss the Northwest, it is possible to miss what was and love what is at the same time. We can be grateful for where we came from and giddy about what lies ahead all at once.
As for the menu, I’m partial to the seafood paella. If you’re ever in Connecticut, I highly recommend it.
QUESTION #2: REVEAL
We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the way interests, but we tend to hide them. What do you love doing that might surprise (or shock) people?
I’m often asked the question, “If you weren’t a marriage and family therapist, what job would you most like to do?” My answer is: “I think I would enjoy being a pastor ... or a florist.” People usually find the second part of that answer both surprising and humorous. I love flowers. I always have and I always will. I love the colors, the detail and the symmetry of each bloom.
The beauty of God’s creation has played a huge role in my faith journey. But more than the color combinations of flowers and the creation of the arrangements themselves, I would be drawn to the stories behind each bouquet. This is the very thing that drew me to becoming a therapist. I believe relationships are God’s greatest gift to us. And it has been in hearing and participating in other people’s stories that I’ve been able to see more of God’s story.
QUESTION #3: CONFESS
Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We're just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you hide it?
Underneath the facade of a woman who I’ve been told appears capable and competent, I wear a deep fear of inadequacy like a tattoo.
When this is your particular brand of kryptonite, you are only ever as good as your last performance. When you perform well, winning the approval of others, you are left anxiously trying to stay on the pedestal. When you fail, your only hope is a performance that wins the applause of others again.
I have spent a lot of time trying to get people to clap for me and in the process, have sacrificed genuine connection. I’ve spent years mistaking applause for love. Through a story I would have never been brave enough to write for myself, I am slowly learning how to pursue my calling and use my gifts from my value instead of for my value.
Perfect is shiny and sterile and might be nice to look at — for a while. It doesn’t challenge you to think differently or compel you to feel anything that draws you close. Vulnerability is messy, yes. But it is present, and raw, and moves us to experience joy outside of ourselves. Every day is an opportunity to trust this truth — that I am loved and valued outside of circumstance.
QUESTION #4: FIRE UP
Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your obsession? And why should it be ours?
As a marriage and family therapist, one of my greatest joys is helping others find peace and joy outside of circumstance. What I couldn’t see for many years is that I was living my own life outside of that freedom, clinging to behaviors like shame, performance and control in order to feel valued and safe. It wasn’t until I confronted a season full of change and loss that I began to discover for myself what I knew to be true for my clients. I, too, began to understand that sometimes God’s rescue looks like prying our fingers off what we think we want so that we can receive what we truly need. And often, on the far side of pain, we don’t prefer, we find transformation we would not trade. I began to trust that the greatest joy is found when we are drained of all misplaced hope and shallow identities.
The hope that I found in the wake of what was broken and lost in my life gave way to the words on the pages of my new book, “From Lost to Found: Giving Up What You Think You Want for What Will Set You Free.” As a therapist and, therefore, a “professional question-asker,” it was important to me to incorporate questions at the end of each of the four sections for personal reflection and/or group discussion. My prayer is that the book leads to personal growth and authentic connection with those you love, too.
QUESTION #5: BOOST
Cashiers, CEOs, contractors or customer service reps—we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it's God when it happens?
I sense God’s presence most palpably when I reach the end of my rope when I’m all out of aces and have no more cards to play. I think this is because it is here that I am finally drained of all self-sufficiency. I’m emptied of my own efforts and performance.
There was a turning point in my story that stands out as I reflect on this question. I was walking on a beach in Florida and had just had my second miscarriage with no hope of an answer or a different outcome on the horizon. I had been busy trying to grieve the “right way” and attempting to appear strong in the face of struggle. I suddenly started having panic symptoms, my body reacting to the pain my mind had refused to acknowledge.
We play out with God what we play out with each other, and I realized I had been performing for him in addition to everyone around me. Deep inside, I knew better, but a part of me felt like if I could make God proud of me and my “strength” in the midst of my trials, I could protect myself from future pain. This breaking point broke me open to receiving God’s comfort and grace that I was too scared to admit I needed. I began to invite God into the feelings I had instead of trying to have the perfect feelings for God. And I learned that the end of myself is actually the beginning of transformation.
QUESTION #6: inspire
Some people divide things sacred and things secular. But you know, God can surprise us in unlikely places. How do you find spiritual renewal in so-called “nonspiritual” activities?
There’s a local coffee shop called Espresso Neat that has hosted some of my most significant memories in Connecticut. On the last night our group met before our friends Adam and Kelley moved to Texas, we gathered in the shop after hours around the large square table in the corner by the window.
As a group, we declared certain things to be true and sacred in a world that largely dismisses the value of community and relational intimacy. We decided that life is a team sport, not an individual sport and that we do not exist for ourselves; we existed for each other. We experienced the truth that when we give one another invitations into our lives — even the dark and messy rooms that we have been taught are best kept with doors shut — we give other people permission to do the same. We learned that with Christ in us, and through the power of the Holy Spirit, when we offer our gifts to each other, we display a piece of Christ’s identity.
Each of our gifts finds its full meaning and value in relationship with one another. Here, community is essential because not one of us can provide a complete picture of the character and power of Christ on our own. Christ can be seen clearly only in the context of community.
This is why we gather: when every gift shows up, we begin to understand all the ways Christ shows up for us — even in a coffee shop.
QUESTION #7: FOCUS
Our email subscribers get free ebooks featuring our favorite resources — lots of things that have truly impacted our faith. But you know about some really great stuff too. What are three of your favorite resources?
“The Jesus Storybook Bible” by Sally Lloyd Jones — I was introduced to this Bible when I had my son, James, four and a half years ago. The creativity and simplicity with which the stories were told illuminated many truths in scripture that I had forgotten or somehow missed in my own Bible reading. This Bible has been a wonderful resource for my child as well as the heart of the child in me!
“Every Moment Holy” by Douglas Mckelvey — These liturgies have expanded my perspective on the ordinary. The book has made me more aware of the sacred in the seemingly mundane moments of my day. I see more “thin places” in my life — places where the barrier between heaven and earth seems just a little bit thinner.
The song, “Fear” by Ben Rector — Brene Brown discusses the value of having an “anthem,” a song that reminds you of your worthiness outside of outcomes or circumstances and inspires courage. “Fear” by Ben Rector is a song I love to listen to before I speak or begin a day that reminds me of my need for strength outside myself. “Heard the lord in California. I remember who I was and I learned to dance With the fear that I’d been running from.”
We all have things we cling to in order to survive (or thrive) in tough times. Name one resource you’ve found indispensable in this current season — and tell us what it's done for you.
Daniel 3:17-18 has been a scripture that keeps me tethered to the hope of Christ: “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”
These verses have provided a prescription for hope and expectation in my life: I know God is able... I believe that he will... And even if he doesn’t, I trust him and his character.
QUESTION #8: dream
God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So, give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?
I am currently working on a new book that began stirring in my heart as a result of conversations with God and others about my first book, “From Lost to Found.” For most authors, writing the second book is a different process than writing the first one. I am learning and growing as I go on this one, which means writing about a topic on which God has much to teach me!
I feel excited about this because I feel like God is revealing so much in my own life. But it also feels vulnerable to write for others in the midst of my own process. There’s a different kind of trust and Christ-dependency that’s required, and it feels a little uncomfortable. But that I know and trust that it is good.
If you think of me, I’d love your prayers as I write!
When was the last time you felt totally worthless or without hope? If you’re like the rest of us imperfect human beings, it probably wasn’t that long ago. That’s why what Nicole shared was so important — God is more than willing to meet us in those vulnerable places. And even more so, he’s willing to show us the truth about our worth and total acceptance in him. All that we need to do is let him speak.
Nicole Zasowski is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of From Lost to Found: Giving Up What You Think You Want for What Will Set You Free. As an old soul who wears her heart proudly on her sleeve, she enjoys writing and speaking on topics that merge her professional knowledge, faith and personal experience. She lives in Connecticut with her husband and two young boys. Nicole would love to connect with you on Instagram @nicolezasowski and on her website: www.nicolezasowski.com.
