A bestselling author and speaker, Vicki Courtney has been working since 1998 to help women base their full worth on Christ instead of the unrealistic expectations of culture. To that end, she’s written numerous books, such as Motherhood Is Not Your Highest Calling, Rest Assured and Between Us. Her powerful messages have earned her two ECPA Christian Book Awards and a Mom’s Choice award. While her ministry began with a focus on college-aged women, her work has impacted women in nearly every stage of life — from tweens to the empty-nest years.

Today, Vicki is getting honest about the toxic teaching that keeps today’s Christian women bound by perfectionism, guilt and chronic busyness. She also shares her journey from the big city to the Texas Hill Country, her favorite creative outlets besides writing, and the resources that helped her escape legalism and lean into grace.

QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT

Food is always about more than food; it’s also about home and people and love. So how does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind your web bio?

I’ve always been a city girl. And up until a few years ago, I probably would have answered that question with one of a handful of bougie Austin restaurants my husband and I enjoyed on some of our date nights. However, we recently sold our home of 27 years in Austin (estimated population: 1 million) and relocated to a small town in the Texas Hill Country called Kingsland (estimated population: 7,500). Suffice it to say, it marked a pretty monumental change in our lives as we adjusted to small-town culture. Right down the road from us is a place called Blue Bonnet Cafe, which opened in 1929 and is approaching their 100-year anniversary.

Of course, they offer the typical Southern favorites like chicken-fried steak (white cream gravy only, please — brown gravy is a culinary blasphemy in Texas), fried okra and other Southern sides, served up with a big basket of rolls and cornbread. For dessert, they are known for their homemade cream pies topped with a four- to five-inch tower of meringue.

But their biggest claim to fame is their breakfast menu. Two eggs over medium, bacon, hash browns and a piping hot cup of coffee is just plain good for my soul. Bonus points for the steady background noise of forks clinking on ceramic plates, the buzz of laughter at nearby tables and servers who call you “sweetie” with a charming Texas drawl.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure I would be able to adjust to small-town life, but the charm of this old diner has helped make the transition easier and symbolizes, in many ways, a new chapter in my life. One with a slower, calmer and more relaxed pace.

QUESTION #2: REVEAL

What “nonspiritual” activity have you found to be quite spiritual, after all? What quirky proclivity, out-of-the-way interest or unexpected pursuit refreshes your soul?

I recently built a dollhouse for one of my granddaughters, and even though it took a little over 60 tedious hours from start to finish (yes, 60!), it was so rewarding to tackle something I’d never done before. Her reaction when I presented it to her for her fifth birthday made every glue gun burn and splinter worth it. And that’s a good thing, because I have two more granddaughters! The older I get, the more I realize the value of creating legacy memories that may be handed down to future generations.

I’ve always been a creative, and it helps to have alternative creative outlets to writing. Oftentimes, with a pending book deadline, I will find a project on the side to tinker with along the way. Whether it’s embroidering the edge of a pillow case for a grandchild, flower-pressing or creating a digital photo book, I find it breaks up the monotony of constant word-smithing and serves as a calming reset.

I also love thrifting classic old books, art and home decor from thrift stores and estate sales and then staging my finds throughout my home.

QUESTION #3: CONFESS

Every superhero has a weakness; every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re all broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite and how do you confront its power?

My kryptonite is one that many women can relate to. It is that nagging voice or inner critic that whispers that I am not enough. I am generally a confident person, but I also have a tendency to focus on my errors, mistakes, flaws or, in many cases, my perceived flaws. Whether it is related to my performance in ministry, my role as a wife and mother, my appearance or concerns about how others view me, I can generally count on that inner critic chiming in.

I confront it with an easy-to-remember formula that I wrote about in my book “Motherhood Is Not Your Highest Calling: The Grace of Being a Good-Enough Mom.” If there were ever a segment of the population that could relate to negative self-talk, it would be mothers!

The formula is CPR, and I view it as a way to breathe a new habit into my life as a replacement to the old narrative I often tell myself. CPR stands for:

C = Capture: Take time to acknowledge the negative self-talk or inner critic and bring it out of the shadows of your subconscious (see 2 Cor. 10:5).

P = Pivot: Turn away from the expectations and opinions of others (including myself!) and pivot toward God. He does not hold me to the same impossible standards as the culture. He is for me, not against me (see 1 John 3:20).

R = Renew: Take a minute to renew my mind and reword my negative self-talk into a positive statement that centers on grace rather than condemnation (see Rom. 12:2).

Maybe it’s a bit corny, but it works! Old habits die hard, but with a little practice, CPR can breed a new and better habit.

QUESTION #4: FIRE UP

Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your current obsession? And why should it be ours?

Over the last several years, I’ve been on a journey of detangling the idea that a woman’s value and worth are tied to marriage and motherhood (aka: “biblical womanhood”). My newest book, “Motherhood Is Not Your Highest Calling: The Grace of Being a Good-Enough Mom,” was inspired by this journey. I even confess in the book to having written that “motherhood is, perhaps, a woman’s highest calling” in one of my earlier books and recycling the toxic teaching for many years. Sadly, I’ve been a part of the problem.

When motherhood is conflated as a woman’s highest calling, it places intense pressure on mothers to get it all right, all the time. No wonder so many women are weighted down with guilt, worry, chronic busyness and pressure to deliver a magical childhood to their children. Not to mention, it suggests that women who choose not to have children or are unable to have children are assigned to a lesser calling.

This book was the book I wished had been around when I was raising my children and buckling under the weight of over-expectations.

In writing the book, I developed a deep sense of compassion for mothers today who have so many voices in their ear when it comes to motherhood expectations that, in turn, have left them with the sense that, try as they may, they are never enough. I want them to know that, in Christ, they are already good enough.

QUESTION #5: BOOST

Whether we’re cashiers or CEOs, contractors or customer service reps, we all need God’s love flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?

Oftentimes, it’s hard for me to discern promptings and nudges from the Holy Spirit due to the white noise of the world. Psalm 46:10 has always been a bit of a challenge for me (“Be still and know that I am God”). I tend to encounter the Holy Spirit more often when I am more intentional about stillness, silence and solitude. For many years, I was accustomed to a pace that allowed for little margin or wiggle room, and as a result, I suffered a pretty intense burnout. Not surprisingly, my relationship with the Lord felt dry, and my spiritual disciplines were, at best, rote and routine. It was in the wilderness of the burnout that I realized I needed more margin in my life, especially to allow for more time for silence, stillness and solitude with God. Today, I fight to maintain enough margin in my life for sitting at the feet of Jesus.

I recently preached on the call of Samuel at my church on a Sunday morning. I shared how Samuel didn’t initially recognize the voice of God when he spoke to the young boy in the middle of the night, assuming instead it was Eli the priest. I love how Eli prompted Samuel to respond the next time he heard God’s voice with, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening” (see 1 Sam. 3:9,10).

I do believe God still speaks to us today through the Holy Spirit, but it’s critical to adopt a posture of listening. I’ve tried to become more intentional throughout my day of pausing and saying, “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.” It’s been amazing to see the Holy Spirit show up in those moments with a necessary word or clear direction in a matter.

QUESTION #6: inspire

Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied habits that open our hearts to the presence of God. So let us in. Which spiritual practice is working best for you in this season?

In the early days of my ministry — which, for the record, was about three decades ago! — I attended an event, and the keynote speaker issued a Bible reading challenge from the stage. She held up a simple paperback copy of the “One Year Bible” and said she purchases one at the beginning of a new year and reads through the Bible every year. Go big, or go home, right? Well, I decided to go big and give it a try. I liked the simple layout of reading a snippet of the Old Testament, a snippet of the New Testament and a portion of a Psalm and a Proverb for each day of the year.

I didn’t have a perfect track record, but for the most part, I made it through the entire Bible in a year. And then, I got a new copy and started over again. I did this for about twelve years and then decided to recycle previous copies and scribble the new year on the back inside cover. I treated them like workbooks and highlighted verses, wrote notes in the margins and noted answered prayers along the way. I stink at journaling, but this worked for me.

My first copy is from 1998, which was the year God called me into ministry and I began an event for college women. That event morphed into mother/daughter events across the country over the next decade, which, in turn, inspired much of my writing to women, mothers and tween and teen girls.

To this day, I keep a previous copy close at hand. While I’m not as disciplined in reading through the entire Bible, I love seeing my notes and answered prayers and remembering back on all God did in each of those years. It is a tangible reminder of his faithfulness over the decades.

QUESTION #7: FOCUS

Looking backward, considering the full sweep of your unique faith journey and all you encountered along the way, what top three resources stand out to you? What changed reality and changed your heart?

Part of my story or testimony is that I am a recovering legalist. In the early days of my faith, I found comfort in seeing Scripture through a black-and-white lens and, as a result, adopted some dogmatic positions related to certain passages in the Bible that didn’t honor the whole of Scripture. I look back at some of my earlier books and Bible studies and cringe at some of the hills I chose to die on. Fortunately, those resources have since gone out of print!

I began to lean more into grace after picking up a copy of “The Ragamuffin Gospel” by Brennan Manning. Honestly, it just wrecked me, but in a good way! Tim Keller’s books have also had a huge impact on my life. More recently, I read “The Good and Beautiful God: Falling in Love With the God Jesus Knows” by James Bryan Smith, which served as a much-needed balm to my soul in these days when the word “Christian” has taken on a negative connotation for many observing from the sidelines. I desperately want to be a positive witness and point others to “the God Jesus knows.”

As a bonus, I love to read over vintage, classic sermons from the 1700s and 1800s. “The Expulsive Power of a New Affection” by Scottish minister Thomas Chalmers (1780-1847) is an absolute favorite that I read on repeat. I glean something new each time.

Certain things can be godsends, helping us survive, even thrive, in our fast-paced world. Does technology ever help you this way? Has an app ever boosted your spiritual growth? If so, how?

Strangely (or maybe not?), I’ve recently been trying to de-harness from some of the apps and digital resources that often lure me into the lair of too much screen time. Perhaps it’s just for a season, but lately, I’ve enjoyed picking up actual copies of books and resources that offer much-needed stopping cues for my easily distracted personality.

QUESTION #8: dream

God’s continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?

With 15 years invested in the empty-nest years, I would love to write a book for empty-nest women. There is so little attention given to this segment of the population, and many of us wrestle through these years feeling overlooked and invisible.

Not to mention, my generation of mothers and the generation of mothers before us have spoken of the empty-nest years with a sense of dread. We were told to “enjoy the years raising our children while we can — these are your best years” and other similar messages, which suggested it was all downhill after the last child flew the nest.

I would love to spark a new PR campaign for the empty-nest years that views this chapter of life as a reward rather than a dreaded curse. I’m here to attest that there is much to look forward to and celebrate in this chapter of life!

As of 2020, 22.5 million women were empty-nesters. Many of them, suddenly without daily caregiving responsibilities, felt a loss of identity or purpose. Sometimes, in an attempt to hold onto that identity, we try to control our children, dictating what’s best for them even after they’ve left home.

Even Mary, Jesus’ mother, seemed to struggle with watching her son take a path she couldn’t control. As Jesus’ ministry grew, Mary and her other children came to see him, likely to share their concerns over his busy schedule or the danger of his bold preaching (see Matt. 12:46).

But Jesus said, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers? … For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother” (Matt. 12:48, 50, ESV).

How did Mary feel about those words? Did they sting? Did they remind her of God’s greater purpose — one that exceeded the limits of her finite mind?

Concern for our children never fully goes away. But we can grow in releasing them to the Lord, trusting him to direct their paths. If you’re a mother in her empty-nest years, what is one practical way you can release control to God this week?

🎉 Easter Egg Activated!

Vicki Courtney