Helping Kids Find Activities They Love
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: My wife and I are committed to helping our kids explore their natural talents in sports, music, and other areas as they grow up. But every time we try something new, the kids seem to hate it. I'm perplexed — what's the secret?
Jim: The first question to ask is a powerful one: "Who's more interested in this activity — my child, or me?"
I'll share a personal story as an example. My sons are grown now. But when our oldest, Trent, was 5, we signed him up for T-ball. On the first day, the coach sent the two of us to the outfield. The moment I'd been waiting for was here — father and son, bonding together over baseball.
However ... about 30 minutes passed with virtually no action. I leaned down and asked Trent, "Are you doin' OK?" He replied: "Not really, Dad." It was obvious his heart just wasn't in it. "Would you rather get a milkshake?" "Yeah, let's do that," he said. And Trent's baseball career came to a close.
A few years later, my son who didn't like baseball couldn't wait to tell me when he won the chess club championship. He found a form of competition that appealed to the way he's wired — and I learned a valuable lesson. There's (usually) no cheering from the sidelines in chess. But I could be a super-proud dad watching my son apply his gifts and intellect to something he loves and excels at doing.
As parents, we want our children to try different activities, have fun, and develop their natural talents. But we're prone to steering them toward things that we enjoy instead of the ones they'd prefer. The key is to constantly study our kids and watch for what excites them, even (especially) if it's something we're not all that interested in ourselves. And when in doubt: Ask them.
Q: When my wife is making decisions, I try to politely make reasonable suggestions to help — but it usually doesn't go over well. I can't understand why she's so resistant to good advice. Am I missing something?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: In an ideal situation, husbands and wives should be able to offer each other advice in ways that strengthen their relationship. But that's seldom how it works out. Most of us struggle to accept "constructive feedback" from our spouses, even when it's wise counsel.
Here are some tips to help avoid the baggage that often accompanies advice-giving.
— First, remember that unsolicited advice can be hard to swallow. Before you speak, ask your wife if she's open to hearing what you have to say. If not, stop. If so, carefully share your thoughts in a tone that will help her feel loved and cared for.
— Second, check your motives. Pause to assess how you're feeling toward your spouse in the moment and why you want to give advice. If you're a little angry and want to push a few buttons, it's best to stay silent for the time being. Wait to share your thoughts until you're more in control of your emotions.
— Finally, create and maintain an environment where it's safe for advice to be shared and received. You can build safety in your relationship by building each other up daily, encouraging one another, and nurturing each other in ways that are loving and honoring. And never give advice in a tone or manner that demeans or insults your spouse.
In a marriage that's sustained by love and encouragement, mutual advice-giving can become a positive and enriching part of daily life. I pray that's the case for you.
You'll find lots more information to help your marriage thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.
