Children Benefit From Parents Whose Values Align
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: My husband and I are classic examples of "opposites attract." We deeply love each other even though we hold different spiritual and social beliefs. We're expecting our first child, and we plan on always showing her both our perspectives as she grows so she'll be well-rounded. Do you agree that's the right approach?
Jim: Actually, many parents underestimate just how important it is to be in close alignment with one another concerning values in the home. And while it's challenging for adults to handle the emotion of conflicting viewpoints, it's much worse for children.
Let's use an illustration. Have you ever seen a circus performer who rides into the arena standing atop two horses, one under each foot? That stunt only works as long as both horses remain side by side. But if either horse angles even slightly in a different direction ... the person on top will come tumbling down, or he'll have to choose one horse or the other to keep his footing.
That's the dilemma in too many homes. When parents hold conflicting values, it's like the horses underneath the child are splitting in different directions. That creates a no-win situation. No matter what the child does, they'll be crossing one of their parents and will feel caught in the middle of the adults' disagreement. That stressful situation is a heavy burden for a child to bear, especially if it becomes a pattern. Life starts to feel unstable and frightening. And when children feel scared, it typically shows up through negative behavior.
So, I strongly advise you and your spouse to put in the work to reach mutual consensus on key values — if not for peace in your marriage, then certainly for the sake of your child.
Q: My kids argue constantly, always wanting what the other has. How can I help them be more grateful and kind to each other?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Good news! Even asking the question shows you're on the right track. Gratitude and kindness are crucial for a child's development. Here are some practical strategies to help kids learn how to be thankful, serve others, and manage their emotional reactions:
1. Practice gratitude. Encourage your children to focus on what they have rather than what they lack. Model it by daily discussing things you're thankful for, helping them develop a positive mindset.
2. Promote service and humility. Helping others makes us feel good. Engage in family volunteer activities or encourage small acts of kindness at home. This can boost kids' moods and teach empathy. Learning the discipline of humility young helps children become more attentive to others rather than focusing on their own perspective.
3. Distinguish needs from wants. Help your kids understand the difference between necessities and desires. When they claim to "need" something, guide them to explore the underlying reasons for their wants.
4. Implement the $1 technique. Set a five-minute timer when conflicts arise, allowing kids to resolve issues independently. If they can't, charge $1 per minute to help them learn conflict resolution. The least flexible child pays the bill.
5. Explore emotions. When strong feelings emerge, help your children identify and understand them. Ask questions like, "What do you really want?" or "Why do you feel this toy is so important?"
6. Teach patience. Use waiting periods before granting requests to help children learn delayed gratification and reduce impulsive demands.
7. Model behavior. Demonstrate gratitude and kindness in your actions, as children often mimic their parents' behavior.
Applying these strategies consistently will help your children develop a more grateful and considerate attitude toward each other and their possessions. For more, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.
