Managing the Family's Holiday Expectations
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: This year we moved into a new (larger) house. So, for the first time at Thanksgiving and Christmas, the entire extended family will be under one roof: ours. How can we manage the stress of hosting?
Jim: The holiday season should be the most joyous time of the year — but often it's the most stressful. I think a big reason is how we build up expectations.
We put expectations on ourselves and our family members — and they also have expectations for how they want things to go. We want the house to be perfect, the meals to be perfect, the gifts to be perfect. Everything should go off without a hitch.
The problem is that holidays rarely work out as perfectly as we'd like; there are just too many variables that can go wrong. And when our expectations get dashed, that often leads to stress, disappointment, and conflict.
The most obvious solution is to lower your expectations. But that can be a little tricky because often we don't realize just how high our expectations really are until it's too late. The best way to diffuse that problem is to talk about everything ahead of time.
So, as you're finalizing your holiday plans this year, talk with your spouse and other family members about how you hope things will go. And then proactively discuss how you can adapt if (when) necessary. It may not seem like much, but conversations like that can make a huge difference. They'll help you keep things in their proper perspective. And those lowered expectations can allow enough margin for you to stay calm when things go differently than you expect.
Q: My 9-year-old daughter resists bedtime and acts out. She recently shared that she's been picked on at school, but for some reason she didn't tell her teacher. What should I do?
Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: A child's brain processes rejection like receiving a punch — it hurts! Such experiences are often internalized, causing kids to question their self-worth and safety. It doesn't sound like your daughter feels physically or emotionally safe at school, so it makes sense that she would be having a hard time behaviorally. If she's like most kids her age, she assumes that these events mean something is wrong with her.
Here are three helpful strategies to help your daughter learn to navigate peer challenges:
1. Create a safe space for her to express her feelings. Validate her emotions and affirm that being picked on is hurtful and frustrating. Ask if she has other feelings about what is happening. The more she can share with you, the more supported and assured she will feel.
2. Help build her self-confidence and teach her to communicate her feelings effectively when others are being mean. Practice setting boundaries by asking what she would tell you to do if someone was being mean to you. She likely knows what needs to be done, but needs to develop the confidence to do it. Discuss why she decided not to tell the teacher or other adults at school.
3. Talk about her options. What does she think needs to be done? Help her see that she's not trapped; feeling trapped can create a sense of panic. Write down the ideas that she shares with you, then read them aloud and plan the response together.
Remember, as her parent, you are in the most influential position in your daughter's life. Your patient support and guidance are crucial in helping her navigate these challenges and develop social resilience.
For more practical parenting tips, visit FocusOnParenting.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.
