Look Within For Source of Child's Tantrums

Jim Daly

Focus on the Family

A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.

Q: We're perplexed by our 5-year-old son's behavior. Recently he's taken to shouting when he gets angry and using words that seem beyond his usual vocabulary; not swearing, just different. We're not sure where he's getting this. What can we do?

Jim: I'd humbly suggest that the first place to look might be close at hand. I'll give an illustration. My friend Michael Hyatt remembers noticing as a child that his father walked with a significant limp. So, at age four, Michael decided he should shuffle along that way, too. That lasted until his mother said one day, "Michael, you don't need to walk with a limp. Dad walks that way because he was hurt in the war."

Hyatt calls that innocent copycatting the "law of replication." Broadly speaking, it means that children often copy the behavior of those they look up to. This concept has direct application for parents. It's not a question of IF our kids are picking up behaviors from us (or someone else) — it's WHAT they're picking up.

And that's where things can get challenging — and maybe uncomfortable — for us adults. For example, if your child yells when he's angry, ask yourself, "Is this behavior something he's learned from me? And if not me, who?" Of course, children should be held accountable for their own actions. But it's wise to remember how easily a child can be influenced — and by which role models.

The good news is you can use the "law of replication" to your advantage by modeling the positive attitudes and behaviors you want to see in your kids. It's the best way to pass your values to your kids – and, if necessary, do a "re-set" — because beliefs are typically caught rather than taught.

Q: I got married a couple of months ago. My wife and I have lots of dreams and big plans for the next few years — careers, starting a family, etc. But we also recognize that we need to be realistic. Do you have any advice for prioritizing?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: It's fairly common for young couples to want it all — family, career success, the list goes on. And that's not necessarily bad. But remember this: HOW you handle whatever opportunities come your way over the next few years will either benefit your family or harm it.

For example, say your spouse is up for a promotion but it would require relocating to another state. Would that impact your career? How might it impact your children — or relationships with extended family? Those are big decisions. As you work through them, keep a few things in mind.

First, complement each other. Notice the distinction: "compliment" (with an I) means "say nice things to and about each other." And that's important to do. But "complement" (with an E) means "work together as a team." Channel your competitiveness into your career, not your family. You and your spouse each bring something to the table that can help you decide how to best move forward together.

Second, be flexible. Your responsibilities at home and at work will shift over time as your family's needs change. Learn to adapt.

Third, and most important of all, let the health of your marriage guide every decision you make. Career goals and a bigger earning potential are important considerations. But more zeroes on your paycheck won't fix a struggling marriage.

Even if you've been married for years, a healthy balance between your career and your family begins with the decisions you make today. Achieve all you can at work — but make the health of your family a much bigger priority.

For more ideas and helpful resources, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

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Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdaly.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2025. Used with permission.

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