Withdrawing Affection Sends the Wrong Message
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: I’m a dad who could use some advice. I’ve always been close with my pre-teen daughter, who is a “hugger.” But as she approaches puberty, I’m suddenly paranoid about how I can interact with her and still show affection appropriately. Do you have any insights?
Jim: I’m especially sensitive to this dilemma because of how it impacted my wife. When Jean and I first got married, she struggled with physical touch like hugging or holding hands. We talked about it numerous times. But one day Jean finally realized why touch was so difficult for her — her father started withdrawing physical affection from her when she was about 12. She remembers her mother telling her father, “Honey, your girls are blossoming. It’s not appropriate for you to touch them or hug them.” So he just suddenly stopped.
That happens in many households. Dads stop showing affection to their daughters because they believe — or they’ve been told — that it’s not appropriate. That idea might be well-meaning, but suddenly withdrawing your affection entirely sends your daughter a confusing message. She’ll wonder, “Why doesn’t Dad want to be close to me? What’s wrong with me? Does he not love me anymore?”
Your daughter might feel like you’re turning your back on her, or that you aren’t interested in being around her anymore. That can inflict a deep emotional wound that she’ll carry for the rest of her life. It could even affect her ability to enjoy her marriage with her husband someday — and send her “looking for love in the wrong places” in the interim.
Dad, if you or your daughter feels self-conscious about the way she’s developing, transparently discuss ways to communicate affection that you both find acceptable. You certainly want your daughter to feel comfortable, but don’t withhold your affection entirely. She needs you.
Q: I hear relationship experts talking about how important it is to “listen to your spouse.” So, I try to do that even when I’m holding my peace wanting to respond. We still have trouble communicating. What’s the secret?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: The way many people interpret it, “listen to your spouse” just means “don't interrupt while they’re talking.” That’s a good place to start, but active listening goes much deeper. Here are some suggestions.
First, stay focused. Don’t let your thoughts wander when your spouse is talking — it’s not the time for you to formulate what you’ll say next (and we all struggle with this). Honor your spouse by listening respectfully to what they’re telling you. To do that, don’t just hear what your spouse says, listen to what they mean. If you’re not sure, allow them to finish and then ask for clarification.
Second, your body language shows if you’re interested in what your spouse is saying. Nonverbal communication is just as important to effective dialogue as the words you use; in fact, many studies indicate that it’s much more important. So, make (and hold) good eye contact and let your posture show you’re open and attentive.
Finally, learn the unique ways your spouse communicates. If your mate likes feedback, repeat their comments back to them to assure them you’re listening. On the other hand, your spouse may prefer you listen quietly until they’ve finished. In that case, nodding to acknowledge their points shows you’re attentive and engaged.
Active listening is much more than not interrupting when your spouse talks. It communicates respect by showing you care what your mate thinks, feels, and says. It’s a crucial ingredient to resolving problems and deepening your intimacy as a couple.
For more tips to help your marriage thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.
