Steve Cuss

Jun 10

9 min read ⭑

“I’ve found that introducing people to their false needs and anxiety patterns is a fruitful way to lower triggers and increase connection and awareness, which opens our souls to be more aware of God.”

Steve Cuss is known for his work in anxiety management. He’s written books, hosted podcasts, taught workshops and classes, and founded a ministry all about the topic. But none of this would’ve been possible without the time he spent as a trauma and hospice chaplain. There, he learned that in order to help others heal, he needed to deal with the anxiety, assumptions, and fears within his own heart. As a chaplain, he also learned about Family Systems Theory, which he’s adapted with a gospel perspective to help numerous believers walk closer to God and each other.

In today’s interview, Steve is getting honest about his own struggles with anxiety and people-pleasing. But he’s also sharing the good — like why he’s obsessed with fresh fish and acoustic guitars and the strategies that help him relax into God’s presence. Read on and be encouraged.

QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT

There’s much more to food than palate and preference. How does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind the web bio?

I love this question. Two dinners come to mind, one very specific and one that is very much from my hometown.

The specific meal: My friend Kevin Colon used to host “long, slow dinners” for area pastors. Eric Swanson would open up his home, John Lamb would cook wild game, and Kevin facilitated discussion. The invitation had a start time only, never an ending time. These dinners were precious as we could fully take off our pastors’ hats, get spoiled with great food and caring hospitality, and connect deeply.

My second answer is simply any fresh fish in Perth, where I grew up. We would usually catch it ourselves and eat it within a few hours. I’ve always loved seafood, but same-day seafood is a whole other level of good. As a kid, I would live on my grandad’s boat for a couple of weeks each summer, and deep-sea fishing was a daily part of our rhythm. We would often eat it by lunch. Amazing.

QUESTION #2: REVEAL

We’ve all got quirky proclivities and out-of-the-way interests. So what are yours? What so-called “nonspiritual” activity (or activities) do you love engaging in, which also help you find essential spiritual renewal?

I know way more about guitars than is useful, and frankly, if I practiced as much as I studied the various kinds of guitar wood, I’d be such a better player. But I absolutely love the tonewoods and details of a fine acoustic guitar. I have helped a number of friends and guitar students buy a quality guitar, and I take so much pleasure in dialing in the size and tonewoods for people.

I can talk at length about the difference between mahogany, walnut, and rosewood guitars or even the nature of different species of spruce. It is a rather useless and enjoyable obsession. I love that you’re challenging the “sacred-secular” divide, as I do find these sorts of pleasures to be spiritual. God made humans with Imago Dei — God’s stamp or nature — and one benefit of that is how we get to enjoy beauty. I try to posture my life to “stub my toe on beauty” a dozen times per day. I am captivated by the overtones of a guitar but also by my wife’s high cheekbones, my dog, who is always in need of play and a delicious meal.

My second obsession is even more useless, especially for a pastor. I have a fascination with 1960s and ’70s Italian cars, especially Alfas, Lancias and Ferraris. I can’t afford any of them, but I have plenty of useless knowledge about all of them. Hey, the Italians make beautiful cars!

QUESTION #3: CONFESS

Every superhero has a weakness. Every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re broken and in this thing together. So what’s your kryptonite, and how do you hide it?

I have two besetting issues: I am a chronic people pleaser, and I need to be needed.

When someone has a need, it is difficult for me to tell the difference between their need and my need to be needed. When someone shares about their life, my brain says, “They want you to fix it,” even when they really just want a caring listener. Sheesh.

I’m also prone to sacrifice my own well-being and overcommit my calendar. There was a four-year period when our church grew rapidly and exponentially, and it seemed as though I was saying no more than ever, but it still wasn’t nearly enough. And when I take time for myself, I still feel selfish even though I teach others to do it.

That said, my primary kryptonite is probably what I am most known for — anxiety. I come across as calm and cool, but in fact, I am pretty easily triggered, and I get my feelings hurt easily. Of course, this is also my superpower. I’m a good empath and caregiver, but too often, I sacrifice my well-being for people who don’t really need me.

QUESTION #4: FIRE UP

Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your current obsession? And why should it be ours?

In the mid-1990s, I served as a hospital chaplain, and it changed the trajectory of my life. The head chaplain taught us how to notice anxiety in any room we entered and in ourselves. I was blown away by how often I would “infect” a room with my own anxiety as a chaplain — my own need to say the right thing or make people feel better. My false needs got in the way of seeing what was really needed.

I’ve never recovered from that.

The theory is called Systems Theory, and it focuses on a type of anxiety that is based on false needs: the need to be liked or understood, the need to be in control or do it perfectly, the need to be needed, and so on.

Most humans have dozens of false needs, or those false needs carry them. Over time, our false needs infect each other, and we develop predictable patterns of behavior. We all fall into attempted solutions, and some of them make our problems worse, not better.

As a pastor, I have adapted Systems Theory and combined it with theology to help people improve all their precious relationships — not only the very elusive relationship with themselves but also their relationships with loved ones, enemies and of course, God. I’ve found that introducing people to their false needs and anxiety patterns is a fruitful way to lower triggers and increase connection and awareness, which opens our souls to be more aware of God.

QUESTION #5: BOOST

Cashiers, CEOs, contractors, or customer service reps, we all need grace flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?

It’s fascinating to me that Paul quoted secular poets when he said, “In him we live and move and have our being” because that’s how I try to live my life (see Acts 17:28, ESV). I find it quite difficult to follow an invisible God and sense God’s Spirit. I think it was more straightforward in Bible times than it is today.

But when I’m human-sized, I find it easier to relax into God’s presence. When I am reactive, I tend to get bigger or smaller than human-sized, and I struggle to notice God. I have found the simplest path to connecting with God is to first connect with myself. Not for self-absorption but for more fruitful worship. I used to try to connect with God first, but it was more elusive as I didn’t know what was going on in me. If I first pause and notice myself, I now have something to give to God or to die to, and then I experience God’s resurrecting power.

I manage to do this maybe half or less of the time, but I find that even bumping into God’s presence 10-15% of the time can be transformative. I am highly suspicious of the “all-in, 100%, sold-out” language we use in Christian circles. I don’t know anyone who lives for God 100% of the time, and I don’t know what that looks like.

I know how it feels to be human-sized, though, and I can do that.

QUESTION #6: inspire

Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied habits that open our hearts to the presence of God. So let us in. Which spiritual practice is working best for you right now?

Years ago, I was in bad shape. I had been a pastor for 20 years, but God’s love and presence were becoming more elusive, not less. In 2016, I started digging deeper and developed a life-giving list of the people, places and activities that make me feel human and alive. It is a list of gifts, yes, but gifts I can’t give away — these are gifts God has given me.

Some gifts take a few minutes, like rubbing my dog’s floppy ears, holding my wife’s hand, or reading a chapter of the New Testament. Some gifts take money or time to budget, like a day of fly fishing with life-giving friends.

I keep adding to my life-giving list. I am at over 160 items. I have recently added two:

1) Listening to five minutes of stand-up comedy every day

2) Listening to a vinyl album

I try to cultivate eight to 15 life-giving habits per day so that I’m always tripping over the love and goodness of God.

QUESTION #7: FOCUS

Looking backward, considering the full sweep of your unique faith journey and all you encountered along the way, what top three resources stand out to you? What changed the game and changed your heart? What radically altered your life? What changed your reality?

Phew. There’s no doubt that serving as a hospital and hospice chaplain when I was 24, fresh out of Bible college, permanently forged my life. Many ministry students do an internship, and some internships can feel like boot camp. Chaplaincy felt like Navy seals training. When you’re young and in rooms of death, tragedy and terminal illness a dozen times per day, it forges everything about you and reveals much you didn’t know existed. Many people go through deconstruction nowadays. I went through a rapid-fire deconstruction at 24. Death will force you to see if your faith foundation is bedrock or sand.

Marrying Lisa changed the course of my life. She is a natural healer, and I needed healing in ways I didn’t even realize. God has healed much in me through the gift of a life-giving marriage.

Theologically, I think two Freds, a Philip and a Madelene really shaped me. Fred Beuchner and Philip Yancey helped me survive chaplaincy and a scary deconstruction. Fred Craddock and Madelene L’Engle helped me love the Scriptures and see them as very human.

We all have things we cling to to survive (or even thrive) in tough times — times like these! Name one resource you’re savoring and/or finding indispensable in this current season, and tell us what it’s doing for you.

I may have addressed this before, but for me, the indispensable tools are practicing my life-giving habits and learning to notice, name, and diffuse anxiety when I am triggered.

QUESTION #8: dream

God is continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?

I just released my second book, “The Expectation Gap,” in May 2024. It helps people manage the gap between their belief and experience of God. I hope this brings great relief to readers.

I have really enjoyed asking “gauntlet of anxiety” questions on my “Being Human” podcast. I typically ask every guest five or six gauntlet questions. They tend to revolve around anxiety and being connected with God. I’m exploring writing a brief book of 52 gauntlet questions. They are either the world’s best or worst icebreakers.

Earlier in the interview, Steve said: “When I’m human-sized, I find it easier to relax into God’s presence. When I am reactive, I tend to get bigger or smaller than human-sized, and I struggle to notice God.”

What does he mean by “human-sized”? Well, when we’re reactive — whether to stress or conflict — we may try to make ourselves seem bigger. We try to get the last word in an argument, we only listen so we can fix or correct, or we get aggressive and dominate the space. Or we may try to make ourselves seem smaller, choosing not to speak up or flattering others instead of speaking the truth.

When we become human-sized, we let go of self-righteousness and self-protection, allowing God to be our source of refuge and wisdom. We let him be God and let ourselves simply be … ourselves.

Reflect: what situations cause you to be reactive? In what ways do you respond by making yourself bigger or smaller? How is God leading you to reshape your mindset in those situations?

Steve Cuss is the author of Managing Leadership Anxiety: Yours and Theirs and The Expectation Gap and the podcast host of Christianity Today’s Being Human. He is the founder of www.capablelife.me, an online community that helps you lower reactivity, break stuck patterns and increase well-being in the workplace and home place. Steve has served in a variety of pastoral roles for 26 years. He married Lisa, and they have two sons and a daughter. When he’s not working, he’s laughing with his family, knee-deep in a trout stream or trying a guitar he cannot afford at a local music store.