Connecting With Your Children is Vital
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: I want to be a good dad to my two young kids, but I struggle relating with them. I've got a successful career in sales and have no problem connecting well with my clients on an adult level. Do you have any tips on learning to speak "child"?
Jim: You may already have a finely honed skill that'll get you most of the way there. You're probably familiar with the common sales technique of "mirroring" — it may actually help you with your parenting.
Researchers have often found that sales representatives who mirror their customers' emotions and mannerisms are more likely to close a deal. It helps the customer feel at ease and believe the salesperson really understands their needs. So, the customer is more likely to trust the sales rep and take their advice.
Moms and dads who want to connect with their children can also use mirroring as an effective technique. It's fairly straightforward: Pay close attention to your kids' individual personalities, then be sensitive to those unique traits as an open door to each child's heart. For example, if your son is always on the move, he might talk with you more easily when you're playing a game together. But with a daughter who is quiet, your best conversations could happen after bedtime stories.
Parenting is a challenging job. Connecting with our children is vital so they'll learn to trust what we say above all the competing messages that bombard them each day. The bottom line: When we meet each of our kids on their level, by mirroring their interests and personalities, we stand a greater chance of influencing their lives.
You can find plenty of ideas and practical tools to help your family thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for about 18 months. Around other people, he's warm and friendly. But when it's just us, he can be very controlling. He gets upset if he doesn't get his way or if I don't do as he wishes. It doesn't take much to irritate him. Friends tell me to stand up for myself, but that just seems to make things worse. I really love this man — what can I do?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Unfortunately, it sounds like a hard reality check is overdue here. Realistically, you can't make your boyfriend become less controlling. Our behavior can impact and influence others, but true heart change only comes with God's help and individual personal choice.
You mentioned that friends have encouraged you to "stand up for yourself," and that might be good advice — depending on what it means. It doesn't mean you can go toe-to-toe with your boyfriend as if you were confronting the class bully. That's a no-win scenario. Instead, you need to develop and demonstrate self-respect. The fact that you've put up with this behavior for this long suggests to me that you could benefit from the regular support of a wise professional counselor. See our website (above) for a local referral, or call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Meanwhile, standing up for yourself also means establishing some very clear boundaries with your boyfriend. If you do decide to try to continue on in a relationship — and I strongly encourage you to give that question serious deliberation — you must insist that he get ongoing individual counseling for his anger and control issues. Those behaviors are enormous red flags. If he's serious about his love and concern for you, he'll get the help he needs and make the necessary changes. Otherwise, you're better off without him. Work on getting yourself healthy and trust God for a new and better beginning.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.
