Leave a Lasting Legacy By Sharing Your Story
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: My wife and I both recently retired. We weren't able to have children, and through most of our 45 years of marriage we've just quietly gone about our daily business. Neither of us finished college or ever accomplished anything really noteworthy. We don't have a legacy to leave anyone; still, we want to have an impact on younger generations. There must be something we can do — could you offer any suggestions?
Jim: Let me start by congratulating you on 45 years (and counting) of marriage — that's fantastic! And it's where I'm going to disagree with you: I think you have accomplished something VERY noteworthy. In a society where that level of commitment is becoming increasingly rare, you have set an example that no self-help book on marriage can possibly match.
So, here's what I suggest: Simply share your story. You have obviously seen a lot of ups and downs through more than four decades of life together. I'm sure you and your wife have experienced disappointments and hardships. And since you're human, no doubt there have been times when you just didn't feel like sticking together. But you did.
That means all of us can learn some very valuable lessons from your priceless example. This world would be a far better place if we'd all work on "the daily business" of maintaining our marriages through the changing seasons of life.
My suggestion: Seek out younger couples who are struggling in some way — whether they're newlyweds or they've been married for a while and things are beginning to unravel. Be honest; don't sugar-coat the hard times. But share how you repeatedly made the decision to persevere through them. That's your legacy — and I genuinely thank you for it.
Q: Like all couples, I suppose, my husband and I disagree at times. We've been taught that we'll keep things in balance as long as we each win our share of the arguments. Sometimes her way, sometimes his. Do you agree?
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Actually — and respectfully — I do NOT agree. Here's why: When a relationship is defined by "winners" and "losers," it's only a matter of time before things fall apart. If you're playing a game, keeping score is the only way to determine a winner. But in a marriage, scorekeeping is destructive.
Scorekeepers are easy to spot in a conflict. Their goal is to win. They don't respect their spouse's point of view, they don't compromise and they don't resolve issues in a way that benefits the relationship. Their formula for personal happiness is to make certain everything goes their way. To do that, scorekeepers constantly measure the relationship. They keep a running tally of how well their spouse is doing in the marriage. And if the scorekeeper doesn't feel happy, they blame their spouse, criticize their every move, and demand the spouse change to accommodate the scorekeeper's wishes.
Instead of a nurturing relationship that benefits both spouses, scorekeeping turns the marriage into a competition. It sets the couple against each other. Conflicts don't resolve issues — they declare a winner.
Simply put, it's impossible for a marriage to thrive when it becomes a battleground where somebody wins and somebody loses. The truth is: Either everyone wins or everyone loses.
At its heart, marriage is about collaboration and mutual sacrificial love. Don't think you can build a thriving marriage by manipulating your spouse to get your way. You have to tear up the scorecards and focus on loving and serving one another. Think "team": Resolve issues in a way that benefits both of you.
If you need help working this out, I invite you to call our staff counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357).
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2025. Used with permission.
