Let Kids Learn the Consequences of Their Mistakes
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: I'm sure we're like most parents — we want our children to learn well and develop good character. We also want to protect them from ever getting hurt. There's so much pain in the world; I believe it's important to shield our kids as much as possible. But how can we accomplish that?
Jim: My answer might surprise you. I actually think the greatest teacher you can invite into your home is consequences. All of us, at all ages, generally only change our behavior when the pain of poor choices causes us to think, "I don't want that to happen again."
I get it: Moms and dads find it hard to let their children struggle. They swoop in and short-circuit the process before the child learns a single lesson. When they rescue their child from pain, they increase the odds that he or she will make the exact same mistake again.
Every parent should understand that there are two forms of pain: hurt and harm. And there's a very real difference between them.
Hurt is normal in life. It's like the soreness you feel when you work a muscle. There's no damage being done, but you can barely get out of bed in the morning.
Harm, on the other hand, indicates something destructive is happening. It's like running a marathon or climbing a mountain with a broken ankle.
We should definitely protect our children from harm, but not necessarily from hurt. Negative consequences don't damage a child. But they do motivate him to reconsider whether his choices were worth the trouble. Hurt is how children learn to make better decisions that will bring about more positive consequences.
As long as your kids' choices only hurt, let them learn from their mistakes whenever possible. The consequences of one poor decision will teach your children more than a thousand lectures.
Q: My husband has hurt my feelings SO many times. I don't think it's necessarily intentional; mostly just neglect and being preoccupied with his own priorities. I keep hearing that I need to forgive him, but I just don't know if I can!
Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Forgiveness is one of the most challenging personal choices each of us must regularly make in marriage. There might be only minor impact from occasional disappointments. Or we may have deep emotional scars from years of back-and-forth mistreatment. Over time our hearts can become so hardened that forgiveness can seem impossible.
Even if we truly want to forgive our spouse for unresolved offenses, it's tempting to stubbornly insist that they should make the first move toward reconciliation. They may feel the same way, which leaves us in a deadlock.
The truth is that the only way to maintain a loving relationship is to keep short accounts and forgive on a regular basis. Healing and reconciliation likely won't happen overnight, but forgiving can be a turning point in any relationship.
Forgiveness communicates that we value our spouse, and it can soften our hardened hearts toward each other. It doesn't erase what has happened or magically heal the wounds. But it allows the relationship to progress toward deeper levels of intimacy.
Forgiveness starts when we make the decision to forgive — regardless of whether our emotions necessarily line up with that decision. In other words, we can choose to forgive even when we don't feel like it.
Forgiveness is more than a choice, it's also a process. We tend to want things immediately. But forgiveness doesn't work like that. Depending on the gravity and magnitude of the offense, it can take weeks, months or years — even a lifetime. But regardless of how long it takes, forgiveness is always worth it.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2024. Used with permission.
