Spouses With Shared Wounds Need To Do Their Own Work
Jim Daly
Focus on the Family
A weekly advice column written by Jim Daly, Focus on the Family draws upon a deep, abiding Christian faith to help heal broken marriages and troubled families, built on a foundation of “the power of hope and second chances.” Focus on the Family’s sound, Christian guidance gives readers helpful answers on how to navigate a steady path in an uncertain world.
Q: My wife and I both experienced similar wounds in our respective pasts. That's part of what drew us together and we thought it would help us relate. But now we're actually really struggling. Do you have any advice?
Jim: In some ways, we've been conditioned by Hollywood to think that marriage is best when two individuals who are broken and lost on their own meet that special someone who completes them. Maybe that works well in the movies. But in real life, relationships of this nature face years of struggle unless there's some form of intervention.
Here's why: Genuine intimacy within a marriage can only occur between two people who are healthy and whole as individuals. People who feel incomplete inside usually look to others to fill them up. But emotionally, that's like a bucket with a hole in the bottom — no relationship is ever enough to fill it.
This highlights a second problem. Since healthy people feel emotionally content inside, they're able to freely give of themselves to their spouse. But someone with unresolved wounds seldom has anything to give because their energy is devoted to seeking what they "need" from their spouse.
In mathematics, two halves make a whole. But marriage isn't a math problem — it's a relationship. Two broken people cannot combine their wounds to create a successful relationship. A strong marriage consists of two healthy individuals, each of whom is content inside and able to give to their spouse in love and sacrifice.
So, my advice is that both of you need to do the hard work — professional therapy, spiritual growth, etc. — to sort through your own "stuff." The good news is that supporting each other through that process should help strengthen your relationship. Our staff counselors would be happy to help you get started; call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Q: My kids keep talking about all these "online challenges." What should I know — and do?
Adam Holz, Editor, Plugged In: Challenges have been around a long time — "triple dog dares," anyone? But they've exploded in the internet age. Some are innocuous, like standing still for as long as possible in the Mannequin Challenge. Others, however, can be deadly.
The Blackout Challenge — which involves choking yourself until you pass out -- has been linked to more than 20 teen deaths. TikTok was recently sued by the parents of four British teens who died playing the game.
As parents, we know we've got to have "The Talk" — the proverbial "birds and bees" conversation. But what about the "challenge talk"? Here are some things to keep in mind as we help our kids think critically about online dares and avoid potentially dangerous challenges.
1. Realize that our kids are not immune to challenges' allure. It's easy to see, in retrospect, when other people's kids make bad decisions. But we tend to think our kids are smarter than that — surely they'll recognize the danger involved. That, however, is parental projection: Risks that seem self-evident to us may not be apparent to teens at all.
2. Adolescents' ability to discern risk and consequences is still developing. They may appear world-wise. But they don't know what they don't know. And sometimes, teens fail to recognize the risks of a dare or challenge.
3. Understand what contributes to the temptation to take a challenge. These can include novelty, curiosity, boredom, peer pressure, etc. And at the root of challenge psychology is this dare: "I betcha can't!" Followed, of course, by: "I betcha I can!"
We don't have to live in fear that our kids are going to make a tragic decision via an online challenge. But, just like those other talks, we need to proactively help them understand some risks aren't worth taking.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author and president of Focus on the Family. He is also the host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.
Distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication. Copyright © 2025. Used with permission.
