Amy Duggar King
11 min read ⭑
“A holy disrupter is someone who looks at their lives and the things going on around them and is tired of the same old, same old. They want to disrupt toxic patterns. They want more peace in their lives.”
You may know Amy Duggar King from the hit reality TV show 19 Kids and Counting — or from Shiny Happy People, a documentary about the popular Duggar family and the scandals surrounding them. Nowadays, Amy is using her platform to share her experience and help others get free of family dysfunction and toxic cycles of abuse. In today’s interview, she’s opening up about what it was like to grow up in front of the camera with the Duggars, how she’s overcoming feelings of inadequacy, how thrifting reminds her of Grandma’s powerful life lessons, and why she now filters every facet of her life through these simple words: “Peace. Be still.”
The following is a transcript of a live interview. Responses have been edited and condensed for brevity and clarity.
QUESTION #1: ACQUAINT
Food is always about more than food; it’s also about home and people and love. So how does a go-to meal at your favorite hometown restaurant reveal the true you behind your web bio?
Here’s the thing. I don’t eat out a ton. Don’t get me wrong. I love to cook, I can definitely prepare meals, and I know how to do things, but my husband, Dillon, cooks like a chef. He’s never had official training or practice, but when we invite people over, it’s like a restaurant.
We’ll have 20-plus people come for dinner sometimes. We’re on the patio, light candles and have all kinds of fellowship with people. Our close friends and all our kids play and eat, and it’s awesome.
So honestly, we don’t eat out much because I’m a homebody, and Dillon is so good at what he does. He loves trying new dishes and can whip up a sauce so quickly that it would make your head swim. It’s amazing. If we do eat out, we like to do fine dining. We like to get the top quality of meat and try several different dishes.
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QUESTION #2: REVEAL
What “nonspiritual” activity have you found to be quite spiritual, after all? What quirky proclivity, out-of-the-way interest or unexpected pursuit refreshes your soul?
I love secondhand stores and thrifting. I am not kidding. I can get lost for hours in a store. I can find the best deals, and I’m not silent about it. I’ll say, “Ooh, I found this for a dollar, y’all. A dollar!” I love to dig.
It’s because my grandma taught me how to shop when I was younger. Life was crazy growing up, so she would kind of get me away from the chaos and whatever else was going on and take me to Goodwill, and we would shop for hours.
Now that she’s gone, it’s something I’ve implemented in my life. I feel like I have to shop to remind myself of Grandma. The smell of the store and the memories make me feel close to her. I feel like she’s smiling down at me, saying, “Good girl. You spent $2 instead of $50.” There’s something special that happens. It brings me closer to God and closer to my grandma.
QUESTION #3: CONFESS
Every superhero has a weakness; every human, too. We’re just good at faking it. But who are we kidding? We’re all broken and in this thing together. So, what’s your kryptonite and how do you confront its power?
For me, my kryptonite is words — words that other people use against me. They’re either going to be as sweet as honey or cut you down like a knife and slice you up. I’ve heard horrible words my entire life. If someone tells me I’m not enough, says I’m not worth anything or really just cuts me to my core, then they have power over me.
I hate to admit that, but I am not Superman. I have to remind myself of who I am with God’s power. He’s called all of us a masterpiece. We are chosen. We are special in his eyes. People use words to hurt or heal, and there’s a reason the tongue is often called a sword.
I think being vulnerable and talking about the power words have is so important. Think about it. Every word has power. Every word can either bring you up, exalt you and make you feel like you’re flying, or it can cut you down at the knees. I used to allow that kind of thing to control my emotions, and now I say, “No, I know who I am in Christ.” I don’t put up with it as much as I used to. I’m quick to recognize when something isn’t from God.
QUESTION #4: FIRE UP
Tell us about your toil. How are you investing your professional time right now? What’s your current obsession? And why should it be ours?
My current obsession is my memoir called “Holy Disruptor: Shattering the Shiny Facade by Getting Louder with the Truth.” I did not have a ghostwriter, which is huge because so many people do. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it wasn’t for me. The publishing company I’m working with is excellent. They saw my heart in this and let me go for it. They didn’t hold me back, which is incredible, so every word in the book is from my heart.
You’re probably wondering, What the heck is a holy disrupter? I believe that a holy disrupter is someone who looks at their lives and the things going on around them and is tired of the same old, same old. They want to disrupt toxic patterns. They want more peace in their lives. In order to get peace, you have to disrupt narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse and any kind of toxicity that you allow in your life. You can be a holy disruptor and change things to have a better life.
I used to believe that I was all alone and that no one would understand what I was feeling, so I kept quiet. That’s what shame does to you. It keeps you silent because it doesn’t want you to ever feel like there’s a group of people who feel the same way. I believe this book will resonate with so many people because we’ve all been silenced in some way in our lives. It was the most extremely painful and hardest project I’ve ever worked on, because I had to relive those moments that broke me down and made me feel like I was worth nothing. I knew that by sharing my story, being vulnerable and putting it all out there on the line, I was giving a lifeline to someone. I’m here to say, “I’m not alone, and you’re not alone either. We can change our future. We really can.”
I was silenced for a long time. I faced a lot of manipulation and a lot of control. People told me a lot of lies — things that didn’t make sense. But I knew not to ask because I wasn’t allowed to ask. I went along with the narrative because I never thought I could change it. Once I started really digging into what my family believes and what I actually believe and started analyzing my own life, I realized that this wasn’t God. This wasn’t Jesus at all. There was no peace — it was all chaos. Everything was chaos in my life, but God is not the God of confusion.
It’s amazing what happens when you filter everything with that idea in your head. If I can help one person feel seen and give them peace and boundaries for how to set things differently in their own lives, it was 100% worth it.
QUESTION #5: BOOST
Whether we’re cashiers or CEOs, contractors or customer service reps, we all need God’s love flowing into us and back out into the world. How does the Holy Spirit invigorate your work? And how do you know it’s God when it happens?
I filter everything through Jesus’ words of “Peace. Be still” (see Mark 4:39). If something or someone is exhausting or draining you, if you feel manipulated, if you feel someone’s trying to control you or push back on what you want to do or say or be, and you feel you’re stuck and can’t move, that’s not God. That is not God. If you have clammy hands, if you can’t sleep at night, if you are anxious and worried, that’s not what God wants for your life.
This is true of every area of life — relationships, work, how you parent, your friends, the music you listen to and so on. If something doesn’t bring me peace, then I don’t listen to it. If someone doesn’t bring me peace, and they drain me, I can’t continue with that. People are either going to energize you and lift you up, or they’re going to make you wish they’d leave your house. I believe those things and people are not of God. There’s something wrong with that person, and it’s not just their energy. People say, “That’s just not matching my aura.” I think there’s more to it than that. It’s a heart thing. Something is going on inside of them that God is saying isn’t healthy for you. So I would filter everything through “Peace. Be still.”
I believe the Bible is true, and I believe God is Truth. My book and the things that I’m doing are truth written on pages. I’m always going to be a truth seeker, someone who asks the hard questions, challenges what I’ve been taught, makes sure that it aligns with God and makes sure I’m parenting in that way as well. My son is allowed to ask why. I know many people who simply tell their kids, “Because I said so,” when they ask why. But I don’t want my child to blindly obey. I don’t want him to blindly follow me. I want him to ask the questions. I’ll tell him why, and it’ll be a great answer. I just want him to understand.
I think truth literally sets you free and will help you in every aspect of your life. That’s what I’m standing for. I’ll be honest, one minute I was on the show “19 Kids and Counting” and everything was hunky-dory, and the next minute, it was off the air. No one had answers, and no one was told the truth. Nobody. I thought, Whoa. How can we be Christians? Especially the people I looked up to — my family, my aunt and uncle. How can you portray that you love Jesus and yet not tell the truth? Something’s not adding up here. I had this wake-up moment where I realized that this wasn’t God’s way at all and that it wasn’t a safe environment.
QUESTION #6: inspire
Scripture and tradition beckon us into the rich and varied habits that open our hearts to the presence of God. So let us in. Which spiritual practice is working best for you in this season?
I don’t watch the news. I feel like this world is so full of pop-ups and fake news and things to terrify us. Everything has shifted, everything has changed and nothing makes sense anymore. There are so many conspiracy theories, so many things to throw us off. I don’t think that the government has our best interests at heart at all.
What I consume during the first part of my morning and what I consume at night matter. The other day, I watched a TV show. It was about crime but nothing too crazy because I don’t like really gory shows. It showed a girl walking at night after dancing when a van came, and someone grabbed her. I dreamed that night that I was the girl walking by the van, and I thought, Amy, no. You can’t watch that at night because you’re going to absorb it. What you absorb will come out in your subconsciousness. So I woke up at 3 in the morning and studied the Bible with one eye open. I prayed, “OK, God, give me peace.” It was one of those moments when I forgot to watch what I watch — literally. I think that is so important. For me, it is the music I listen to and the things that I absorb.
Everyone’s got an opinion, and everyone’s got something to say. There’s always fake news. There’s always something terrible happening, and they glorify it, especially if it’s related to Christians. I know my family’s scandals were awful. They were beyond awful, and I agree that everyone needed to know about them. But when the news starts pointing the finger at Christians as hypocrites, I tune it out. I’m a “Gilmore Girls” girl. I turn off the TV most of the time. We watch old Disney but nothing new. It’s just a wild world we live in, and we have to really watch as Christians what we consume, and that includes music. Don’t even get me started on music. The devil is not hiding anymore. He is no longer hiding. He is out in plain sight, and it is scary.
QUESTION #7: FOCUS
Looking backward, considering the full sweep of your unique faith journey and all you encountered along the way, what top three resources stand out to you? What changed reality and changed your heart?
I was at my lowest — feeling inadequate, unseen and misunderstood — during and after the show. I found a book called “The Me I Want to Be” by John Ortberg. I love that book. I have it on my shelf, countless of its passages highlighted. It really helped me decipher how the show portrayed me and who I wanted to be. That helped me so much.
The Bible app by YouVersion helped me a lot, too. It had so many plans that showed me that I didn’t have to listen to the lies of the enemy. I would read those at night and in the morning, and I would cover myself in Scripture. That was another really big deal.
The last one I’ll share is someone who’s passed away — my grandma. She gave me so many little life lessons. She used to say, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” No matter what, from elementary school all the way to high school, she would say that to me. She would watch how my friend groups were changing. It’s crazy now to look at the people I used to be friends with and the life choices they’ve made. If I had continued to be friends with those people, I probably would have gone down a different path. That was huge for me. Those three things really shaped me when I needed them most.
Certain things can be godsends, helping us survive, even thrive, in our fast-paced world. Does technology ever help you this way? Has an app ever boosted your spiritual growth? If so, how?
Definitely the Bible app, but also I love that you can Google Bible references for whatever topic I’m interested in. That has helped me a lot. I have a lot of Bible references in the book, because I wasn’t going to describe a certain way of living with the IBLP (the Institute of Basic Life Principles) without sharing biblical references as to why it’s not godly. I love the fact that I could type something, and it would share a ton of Bible references. I double-checked and made sure each reference was correct, of course.
So yes, technology can be used for harm —but also for good. No one always has a Bible handy in the car or when they’re talking to a friend at a coffee shop, so to type that in and have it pop up is amazing. What can be meant for evil can also be meant for what is good and godly and peaceful.
QUESTION #8: dream
God’s continually stirring new things in each of us. So give us the scoop! What’s beginning to stir in you but not yet fully awakened? What can we expect from you in the future?
Well, because of the Amazon documentary and because I now have a memoir coming out — which I’m so grateful for — we’re looking into starting a podcast. There’s a lot to talk about. With a podcast, more people could engage, and then I could hug them with my words, if you will, and be a light in this world for God’s truth.
I’m also thinking about writing a children’s book. I’ve done this large project, and now I’m thinking, “OK, but what about the little ones?” You know, kids who need affirmations. It’s something I’m exploring right now.
Questioning where we come from and what we believe can be a difficult task — but it’s a necessary one. Even if we grew up with loving parents who were solid in the faith, we still need to search our hearts to discern if we truly believe God’s truth or if we are simply going with the flow.
If you’re in a season of questioning, know this: you are not alone. And your friends here at Rapt are praying for you. We pray that “the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him” (Eph. 1:17, ESV).
Amy Duggar King grew up appearing on TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting, but today, she’s using her authentic, God-given voice to encourage others who want to be free of dysfunctional families, toxic situations or cycles of abuse. She appeared in season one of the documentary Shiny Happy People, and she regularly appears in publications such as Vanity Fair, People, Business Insider, Us Weekly, the Los Angeles Times and The Washington Post. She lives in Arkansas with her husband, Dillon, and her son, Daxton.